Dancing in the dark Friday, July 31, 2009

Last night was lovely. Rachael had a rough evening (okay I made it rough for her because she was kicking.. must remember she is 2, must remember she is 2). By 8:00 I was pooped. Lawrence had fallen asleep, Rachael showed no signs of slowing down. So I offered her the ability to play in my bed if she would let me sleep. 2 mins later she goes mama my favite (read favourite) song is my girl. I have no clue where she heard my girl - daycare... what do they teach her there. Anyways, I was feeling guilty enough about making her evening rough, so I pulled myself out of bed, went to the computer and played "My girl" by the temptations.. she evens knows some of the words. Whoa.But it didn't end there... Rachael - "Mama lets dance" So mama picks her up and dances to My girl... she's not a big girl, but it was exhausting... then she wanted more music..so we replayed My girl several times, and some other temptation songs... It was great fun dancing. I'm not a very good dancer. But with the lights dimmed low and only Rachael to copy me I let go.. And copy me she did. We had so much fun laughing and dancing. That's another thing I want to aRachael to my list - Go dancing with Tommywhen I'm at goal. Right now too many parts wobble that I don't want to wobble, and I'm still embarassed about dancing in public, but come goal... Until then I will dance with Rachael in the nights when Lawrence is sleeping and Tommyand still at work. What a wonderful way to be a mom. And today, Tommy and me are doing lunch at Indian buffet. It's been a month. I love the place, but have been avoiding it since I know I overdo it. But today I'm really craving it. I received my 5 lb loss star last week (and didn't even realise it), so today we will celebrate the total 7lb loss since the beginning. And this week I intend to aRachael activity to my list. I haven't been walking at lunch. I love walking, but lately have been finding exuses. I've been going shopping instead. I'm kind of setting a 3lb wt loss goal for next friday. I'm going to eat all my (daily and weekly) points like I do, but aRachael in activity and not eat the activity points. I want to see if I can get the 3lbs by next Friday. Good luck to me.

The right support: Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I have 1 bra. Okay lets rephrase that. I have 1 bra that fits like I want it to, and full price that bra costs $70. I was lucky enough to find it in marshalls at $9. No honestly. That is exactly what I paid for it. I really really cannot go above $20. Okay maybe $25, but that's pushing it and only for something that I think is wonderful. So how do I know that the one I love is $70 in the store at full price. Okay here is the bra story. For the longest time I wore the wrong sized bra. From where I come big boobs are great, but no manufacturer actually makes a decent sized bra. The best you can get is a C. Not helpful if you're narrow shouldered but have larger cups. So for years I had the powder puff spill out. Until I moved to Europe got 'found' by Neema, who introduced me to the world of underwire and cups sizes that went up to 'H' !!!!! For the longest time I loved M&S (Marks & Spencer). They do great bras there. All the sizes, all the colours, and pretty ones for big boobed women no matter if they're broad or narrow shouldered! And then I moved to the midwest. Hello people, America does have many big sized women, but the largest commonly available size went up to a D, a DD if you were lucky. I searched and searched for the right bra. And then I found Champion Catalog. I'm not a big internet clothes buyer. But I tried, I wore I loved their daily wear underwire bra. And then guess what, it went away. How could they!!!! It was the best thing I had found. So now, post baby #2 I'm back on the search. I went to the dept stores to try - macy's, jcpenney you get the idea. And once again I found - DD, E, F - but the cost - $70 and more. I waited for the sales $45. So I tried Marshalls and struck gold once. I've been back many times... no luck. So how hard is it. I mean come on - the ones who need the support need it - so lets start making decent bras for the ones who actually need it. And now with losing weight, I will have to start the search again.

The beginning of a LONG day Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Bone numbingly tired today. DS kept me up all night. Okay that's not true, he wanted to be fed at his 3 hour schedules, and I totally didn't want to wake up, so had to pry my eyes open at 4 hour intervals, when he went from little "I'm hungry nosies", to "I'm going to scream the house down if you don't feed me". So of course everything makes me crabby today, which then becomes a vicious circle. Doesn't help that I now have a stye forming on my eye. I hate those things and they're so painful, and there's no fix. Just wash my hands a million times a day. Okay I'm definitely crabby. Had a couple of good things though... My scale said 172.5 this morning. It's not WI so can't record it officially, but it made me so happy. And I'm beginning to wear my size 18 pants on my hips instead of my waist, so happy happy. Now my day would be perfect if the day care director would find it in her heart to give me a cash break for next month, when both my kids will be out for a week. Something anything. Question, have any of you moms out there found that as soon as you had kids you went from 'being your own person', to this stranger who has to be nice all the time. No really, being nice doesn't come naturally to me... crabby does..lol.. and yet I continually remind myself like a million times a day - Be nice. Be nice to the teacher, you want her to pay attention to your daughter, don't lose it at Ds's substitute, she really is doing the best she can, smile at the director, if you're nice she's more likely to give you breaks that when you're a meanie. Be nice to the neighbours, they will watch out for your kids. Okay, I'm a reasonably nice person, and I'm reasonably nice most of the time, but in my single days, I found that I didn't really care if people liked me or didn't. Tough Sh** if they didn't. But now I think more in terms of my kids. We moved last year, and I remember thinking... we're going to live here forever, DD & DS are going to go to school here and grow up here. I must be a reasonably likeable person. I must smile when I don't feel like. I must make conversation even if I want to hide with a book. ... I must I must. Oh well I must also lose this wt.

401K : The Big Sham.Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Okay I'm on a roll...maybe I should start a finance blog. Breaking the myths for the common man or something to that effect. What I want to do is Discuss. Discuss. Discuss. I do't want to argue a point. I want to state it and stop. Then let others read it, and comment. I don't want to argue it. Everyone has a view, and we're all entitled to it, what I want to do is discuss in a common forum withpeople who may be affected and hope that somewhere, somebody realises they have to look into it more. They find a nugget that makes a difference. Now I know this is a weight loss website, and almost all the posts are about weight loss. And I'm generally good with it. Finance has just been bugging me lately. The economic down turn. The job losses, the havoc it has wrecked in our lives. The constant worry. And then someone posted that they have been unemployed for a while. And it brought back all my fears. And we've all been talking so freely about our weight, and our body issues, and our self image, so why not another taboo topic. Money. I won't be surprised if the moderators take me off though.
This one will be about the 401K. I still invest in it. Enough to get the company match, but I had my eyes rudely opened this past year. Like I said before I'm an immigrant, married into this country. And so when I came I had to learn a lot and fast. Money and the ways it was dealt with was one. 401K was the biggest. I had no clue what it meant. At first I thought it was just a savings plan. you put money in, and it grows and you don't pay tax, but you don't get to use it until you're old and grey. Fair enough. Give and take. And then I read and found that if you were younger you invested in stocks and if you were older in bonds and so on. So I'm on the younger end of the stick, so off goes my money into the few choices of stock funds we have. Can you imagine my horror this year when we lost not just the money we made on it, but even what we put in. Okay so all the gurus will say that's okay you're still young it will grow back. And yes I bought that **** What they forgot to mention was that if you got laid off you were a gonner. Basically it's this. We're young, we maxed out our 401K's thinking we were being oh so wise and saving for our future. Lets say we managed to save $10,000 in 401K. Being young we invested in stock funds. And ofcourse the market crashed, so now our $10,000 which had grown to say 11,000 is now worth about $3000. We lost, not just the 1,000 extra we'd made, but another $7,000 of hard earned cash. Money that we had deprived ourselves of spending and had saved for the future. Still it would not be horrible, because while the stocks were worth less, they were still the same number right. Basically the idea that 100 shares worth 10,000 earlier, were now worth 3000. And it wouldn't matter if you didn't touch it because eventually we all hope that the economy changes, and it becomes worth again. Unfortunately, and here's the kicker, what if you get laid off. You are now told to move you're 401K out of the company. This means that you can roll it over into a rollover ira yes, but guess what during that rollover, you're not rolling the # of shares, you're only rolling their value - so you've just lost it all for real.... Oh well should have listened to my mom and invested in CD's. Atleast we would still have our toil money.

Stress and wtTuesday, July 28, 2009

Okay this is a rant. I just got off the phone with a mortgage lender. We've been receiving tons oof mailers about refinancing at a lower rate. So I called. Who wouldn't like a lower rate. And yet it's as convoluted as ever. When I first came to this country I was amazed at how hard everything was, and just how much I had to learn. And this whole housing market crash. In the beginning I thought it was a mess created by the the people themselves. Why buy when you can't afford. And yet, and yet as the days passs, I learn just how much the banks are to blame. I still believe that each person should be held accountable for buying beyond their means, it's the people who were swindled that I feel sorry for. I'm good with finance, and I find it so hard to get through the muddles. My simple rule is - If it's too hard to follow then don't do it. A known evil is better than an unknown. I wonder how many people thought 'If it's too hard to follow, then trust the loan officers, afterall it's their business, they know what they're doing'. Unfortunately I don't think the loan officers have anyone's best interest at heart. Here is an example. You get the offer of refinance. You call. There's all this talk of how the program is organised by the govt to help you. Not really. All it's doing is moving money around so you still don't understand what you're doing. If the govt really wanted to help. Do a flat out - something like. We're lowering all 30 yr. fixed to 4.75%. That's it. Instead 1. They want to lower your rate. But while they're doing that they build up a cost of $12,500 in origination costs, closing costs, funding fees and title insurance. 2. Oh but if you don't have the money handy, you can roll it into your loan - So that now means you're paying interest on the additional money of 12,500. Roughly over 30 years you will have paid $37,500 to help yourself out. 3. Oh and we'll give you the escrow back - fine print, if you don't have the money to pay it when it becomes due, then we can add that into your loan to and charge you for it.4. Oh and you don't have to pay the next 2 months - fine print, we'll take the interest that was due and add that to your loan too and charge you interest on it.
Yes mistakes were made. Many people took advantage of it, many chose to live beyond their means, but many many people I think just didn't have it in them to plough through the paperwork. I know my family is good because I make the effort. I know if something happened to me, my husband could not do it. He's a wonderful man, goes to work, makes his money comes home. But he doesn't go through every line on our bills, he doesn't read through all the paper work. He doesn't have the energy to. It's for the people like him who are wonderful that I feel sorry for.
Why am I posting here, because all this leads to stress. And I know my wt is directly related to my stress level. I stress I eat I stress, I pop chocolates. I stress I eat some more. Yes the people made their mess. They're paying for it. The banks made a mess too, yet the govt is bailing them out. Why can't the govt do a decent unconvoluted job of bailing the people out. Rant over. The good news is this time I drank a lot of water while on the phone.

Culla Remembering Dada

i remember going on the ship and seeing you go down the hole.
i remember you ringing that bell thrice in the middle of the night, and we were so excited and scared that you were back.
i remember you dropping me and my friends to first holy communion class and painting the church gates a silver color, thinking wot a cool color you chose.
i remember you in your cool suit that you wore for my communion.
i remember going with you to don bosco's and thinking we were hep catholics.
i remember you applying butter and cheese 'lavishly' :)
i remember you getting goodies for judy's family too and me trying to get the best shoes for myself.
i remember my first 'tight' denim skirt and sky blue corduroys.
i remember when you took me with you for your physiotherapy in the '80s.
i remember us calling you 'langda pran'
i remember that time you took us for a whole week to calangute -- it was my first 'resort' holiday, and the time you took us to the kesarval waterfalls.
i remember my 'golas' that you got me.
i remember you putting up the swing for us on the jamun tree, and lying down under it eating bounty and taking in the sun.
i remember you patting mommy's bum and trying to kiss her all the time.
i remember the night i spent on your ship and then you went off with mommy, i was sooooo proud of you.
i remember sitting with you outside ruzad aunty's house and you being both at peace and crabby.
i remember seeing a photo of you on my school poster, and pointing out that handsome guy to all my girlfriends and saying he's my father.
i remember how proud you were of the nessai house.
i remember how you loved mama above all else, and i always wanting a husband like that.
i remember you taking me to the andheri market and keeping me at the 'oil' or mafco dukan while you went marketing.
i remember you putting your legs on mommy and sleeping.
i remember you giving me talks about Our Lord.
i remember fighting with you for rubbish.
i remember being a real jerk and saying horrid things to you.
i remember you sitting next to me on the luxury bus when i was 16 and telling me that you saw me getting giddy headed over some boys. (i was so scared).
i remember you listening to 'ajeeb dastain' 25 times in obx.
i remember your life stories.
i remember how you were so perceptive and figured amit out immediately.
i remember trying to get money out of you when i would meet you in the street.
i remember daddu how you dropped me to the andheri station or the airport when i started working and had to leave early or come in late.
i remember my 'hero' dada
i remember how you glared at all the boys and snarled at your customers at 'madonna'.
i remember you asking me for a drink at rachel's wedding and i said no, and you said 'okay baba, you will remember this'....... i will never forget this dada, it haunts me every time i think of you.
i remember and will always remember you calling me your no. 1 when i was 11 years old, walking down our driveway in nessai one afternoon.
and i remember your last words to me on thursday, july 26, 2007 ... 'mama made nice food today.

Remembering

Remembering Dada:
I'm writing this today, 2 years after dada died. I was reading a blog of someone who lost her father as well, only she mourns it. I don't think I've ever mourned dada. I blocked his death. I don't know what will come out here. So much happened so quickly, and I was in no frame of mind to mourn. Today as I read that blog I wonder what happened. Culla reminds me of misszoot. She mourns dada. She thinks of him everyday, she still cries. I haven't. I cried once. Once after mama and culla left for India. But not since then, and then too I stopped. I'm not sure why I haven't cried. I think of dada too. But I don't dwell. I change my mind to a different topic, somthing that requires my focus so I won't have to remember. Today I will remember my dada.
I remember wanting to hold you hand while we walked to amboli church, and you holding it but commenting.
I remember you tickling our feet to wake us up to go to church because it was the end of the year, really dada that was the most annoying thing.
I remember you being so proud of us at christmas and all of us wanting to walk with you because you looked so handsome in your ray ban glasses.
I remember you shouting at me and me hiding under the table because of geometry. I swear I spelt center as center not centre of a circle.
I remember you buying us the red, green and cream bags, and some kind of animal chocolates. I was so excited to take the new bag to school.
I remember my black ruler.
I remember being mad at you one year in Goa, because you forgot to wish me on my birthday. I waited all day. You were busy putting cement on the bricks and throwing water on it.
I remember my hated blue and purple cakes.
I remember how you told me to do whatever I needed to do in London, and that you loved me. Thankyou for that, you will never know how much I needed to hear those words when I called you.
I remember you being so angry with culla at the ssc boards and all the followed.
I remember you offering sheldon fonseca a drink when we were in college and me thinking just how cool you were.
I remember your face when you asked for something sweet with a slight wink.
I remember your face when you asked for cigarettes.
I remember how you would as me to spend time with Rachael when I came home from work, but then proceed to hold her and rock her ...
I remember your look when you saw all the "nice small houses".
I remember the beach in goa, when you dragged us into the water.
I remember you forcing me to learn how to drink wine...lol..
I remember you teaching us how to say please pass the gravy instead of give me the curry.
I remember you eating with a fork, and always wearing your slippers.
I remember your doshays.
I remember you and cajy uncle having bath on the verandah in goa.
I remember you sitting on the rocking chairs in the verandah in goa.
I remember going to goa with you in october, just you and me. I had fun. You let me do what I wanted, and I had fun that year. I even remember you staying home and making steamed sardines while I went out.
I don't remember but I heard enough times how I fell asleep walking and you were stopped by a stranger to pick me up.
I still remember your stories, about how you and a friend pretended to be blind to get on the train without ticket to get home from the boarding school in borivali.
I remember you telling us you had to grind masala before you went to school.
I remember how you died. And then I stop remembering because I don't want to relive it. I love you dada.

I want to write today. I've read so many interesting blogs. When I first started blogging I wanted it to be so many things. First a counting of my blessings, then a recording of the changes in the lives of my 2 monkeys, now it's a recording of my weight loss. So much happens so quickly in our lives. I no longer know what I'm blogging where. Still I struggle to keep on top of it. Some days I write boring things. Some days I'm interesting. Someday my children ... I like the sound of that... although it still feels weird..lol.. and makes me smile. My children. My children. My children. I could get used to that. It's still weirdly funny though. My children. Okay Okay. someday I hope my monkeys will be happy I recorded so much of our life. I surely don't have the capacity to remember it all. Lawrence is growing up so quickly. He's only 4 months, almost 5, but he's turning like a pro, and now he even looks like he wants to crawl, lifting his butt in the air. I love him. I love him so much it's amazing. He's my happy baby. He just smiles, and loves being cuddled. But he's definitely getting his own personality. Sadly both Rachael and Lawrence seem to have inherited the stubborn personality. In some ways I'm glad. Stubborness as hard as it is on my will stand them in good stead as they grow up. It will make them stand their ground, and know what they want. I love my princess robin too. She's so worldly and so stubborn. She is. Sometimes she's so stubborn it makes me want to laugh. The hardest thing in the world is to not smile when she's standing her ground but doing the opposite of what you want. This past week was interesting. She was a prize child at the beginning of the week. By Friday and Saturday all you could hear was 'We won't go to the zoo' ... that's me. We did go. I didn't have the heart not to, for all her trouble she was so looking forward to it. Sometimes I remember that she's only a 2 year old, who's finding her own way around. And she tries, so hard to be a good girl, and 75% of the time she succeeds. So we went to the zoo. It was great. She loves animals. Except dinosaurs. They frightened her. So palentology won't be her subject of choice. Her favourite are the lions. She really does love them. And we had dippin dots. I must remember to feed my kids fruits. I must I must. But dippin dots is a completely different game. And last night, I slept. Tommy gave me the best body rub ever.I haven't slept like that in a long time. Thanks honey. I owe you.

Living through an economic downturn:

We can't seem to get away from it.When Tom got his job with Baxter I breathed a sigh of relief. It was all going to get better. It did for a while, and we enjoyed it. So much so that I planned 2 vacations over the next year, and began to think the economic downturn was over. And then yeseterday reality came snapping at my heels. Our great renters aren't renewing :(. They're moving instead to Dallas. If that wasn't bad enough we got worse new. I called Alan (our old realtor) to see if we should get on the market to sell. I talked Tom into considering selling for less than we bought ... enough to pay the bank off and the realtor. But guess what. We can't. I didn't realise that bad mistakes other people made could affect us. There is a condo in our building that went into foreclosure that is now on the market for 60,000! Can you believe that. If we ever sold for that price we'd owe the bank another 70,000 not considering that we paid even more for it. So out goes the idea of selling. We have to rent again which is why I'm stressed. There's some good things I guess. We know that renting is the only option for us. So that's one discussion out. The hard part will be to show the condo, and get good paying renters in. I hope we can do. I have to trust that God will help us do it. This morning I was so fearful. I couldn't get past my fear. That's when I wondered if Sonia & Fong, and dada didn't have that fear. They are the 3 people I know who pray the most. In my heart I truly believe that God will provide. That he will take care of us if we only trust him. In my head I can't feel fearful and worried and stressed. So I wonder if being really close to God like Sonia and Dada and Fong means they have no fear. That they trust God implicitly. Sonia's travelling today. She's been told she's high risk and is not to travel, and yet she's going to Pune. I'm sure she has her reasons. And I'm amazed that she trusts that God will take care of her no questions asked. Part of me thinks she's being stupid. And then I think. she trusts God. He has never let her down. What's the sense in worrying all the time when she trusts Him. I would like that kind of faith. Mine is the kind that knows he's there but feels the need to help Him. I reason. I'm incapable yet of completly turning off and letting him handle it. I don't know how. I don't even know what it means. Please Lord as I write this, and you read it, teach me your way. Teach me to trust you. Tell me how to follow. I love you Lord.

07/20
It's been a slightly stressful day. Mindi just told us that they won't be renewing their lease. Tom got stressed out immediately. I didn't. Not sure why. I guess knowing that Jesus will help us make the right descision helps. I prayed a little and then sat and did my calculations. Ran the numbers to see if we whould sell or rent. Right now my gut is to sell. I've sent the numbers to Tom. Maybe he will feel the same, maybe God will feel the same, and maybe we will be able to sell at the right price. I hope it all works out. No I must trust that God will work everything out for us.

This week is passing in a blur. Thursday is almost over. It's been a good week for the most part. Rachael me and Lawrence spent lots of time together, and even though I still feel guilt (does it ever go away), I know atleast that we're all doing our best. Rachael too. Every night if we get upset with each other she goes into her room, calms her self down and comes out and says "Mama I no cry". I give her a hug and a kiss and a cuddle in return. It breaks my heart that she she's trying to control her tantrums for me... I love her so much.
We're planning another family vacation. Our first vacation with Lawrence. So far the descision is Sleeping Bear Dunes in Michigan. Our motto is "We can do it We can do it". I've gone through scores of vrbo homes trying to find one within our budget, and one that we will love and enjoy. It'll be interesting to see how it goes with a 6 month old and a 2 year old. I'm hoping it's a wonderful relaxing enjoyable vacation. I think Tom and me are very very excited... we're keeping a lid on it just until Tom's leave gets sanctioned. Yeah beach

July 14
I feel better now. I've been dwelling on something that upset me. I won't post it here, and finally I feel better. I know it's little, but I know God will take care of it for me. And now that I feel better :
We had a great day yesterday. Lawrence has decided that he likes sleeping, and that if he is to get any alone mommy time, then the trick is to sleep long and hard and wake up by 4:30 or 5:00 and keep me up then, since Rachael is still asleep. It works.. for both babies... just not sure if mommy is happy about it..lol. Rachael and I spent a LONG NICE evening yesterday. We chatted. We told stories, and read books. She upset me once, said sorry and mama no cry, and called herself a princess everytime she was good which was often last evening. I was so happy. She really does need all the attention I can give her. We also found a great doctor. Dr. Wittert. I'm really pleased. That's a load off my mind for the coming winter.

It's hard to blog in 2 places at the same time. I'm blogging on the WW site about my weight. But I suppose this is for family. But I'm family too. So I'll post the blog here as well
PROGRESS REPORT
Starting weight: 180 lb
Current Week Loss: 4.5 lb.
Current Weight: -175.5 lb.
Total weight loss: -4.5 lb.
A very very interesting few days:
The good news first. Yesterday was weigh in and I came in at 175.5. That's a good 4.5 lbs drop for the week. I'm very pleased considering my first week was a diaster with me gaining. What's even better that I'm beginning to see changes in the way I think. I want this to be a life change, but I didn't think that would click in for atleast a few months. I've done WW before, and I was treating it like a diet still, which was acceptable to me. Yesterday we went to the zoo. We took cherries, fresh cheese, crackers and cheese spread for lunch. I found myself stopping after I had a few crackers and cheese, and fruit, and realised that I was stopping because I felt satisfied. My old brain was still telling me to go ahead and eat cause we were out having fun "What's one cheat day", but the other part of my brain didn't feel the need or desire to cheat. It was nice. And then today at work. We had a lunch and learn. I found myself picking the wholegrain wraps instead of white bread. I have to say I picked 2 - 1/2 wraps. I ended up eating only1. It was from Jason's deli and they have nutritional info online that I just found. The wraps were tasty. I did make a mistake. I answered the call of the sweet tooth. There were brownies and cookie. I imagine the cookies were much less points, but the brownie was calling my name. I picked it. I was satisified at 1/2 but I failed to put it down and I ate the whole brownie for 10 points. I believe that if I had known just how high it was going to be I would have put it down. Lesson learned. When in doubt 1/2 the dessert. I will have to find time to do some exercise this week to work it off. It's going to be a challenging week. We had a lunch and learn today. On wednesday I'm possible going to lunch with a friend to indian buffet, and friday is DH's date day. I will work to stay on top of it.
Today I have to leave at 2:45. It's going to be an interesting evening. Rachael has a rash on her hands for a few days now. First we thought it was the execema acting up in the summer. But now it's getting discoloured. So I have an appt today at 3:15 for her. It's going to be interesting to see how it works out. I have to run pick her up, take her to the dr. then run back with her and pick lawrence up. It'll be fun. Don't think I can handle taking both of them to the dr. unless I absolutely have to.
Yesterday was a fun day. We went to the zoo. Rachael was really happy. My wish for her is that she somehow channel her love of animals into something that she can work with. She loves music and animals at the moment. They have been her loves almost since she was born. I know Tom would rather she do something in music. I have misgivings about a career in music, because I don't want her to enter the 'popular scene', and I don't think there's much money to be made in the regular music scene. So instead I dream that she will do research with animals, how to care for them, take them back to their natural habitat etc...Save the world types. Or maybe marine biologist. That's one of the few nice animal jobs I know. Don't really want her to be a vetenarian. Still while I cultivate her interests I try to remember that she will be the person God wants her to be. I want to pray more. I know God is present in our life, and he's making it so much easier than I imagined it. Yes I have hard days. Late at night when I'm exhausted and and Rachael has gone past trying my last nerve, and I stilll have bottles to wash and feeds to be made, then it's hard to believe my life could be any harder. But I know it could. I was on pager support last week. I had 3 weekend calls when Tom was there to help me and every single one in the day time. No night calls, and no calls during the week when I was alone. I know God is present in our life, in our family. I want to pray to him so that he knows that we are grateful for his presence and thankful for all the wonderful things he brings in our life.

An older post I wrote but forgot to post. Guess I'm progressing
July 6th, 2009
For all my good intentions yesterday passed in a blur of mistakes. I tried very hard to be a good mom. Maybe I should give up and just be a mom..lol. I think I'm doing that anyways. There were some good moments with borh Rachael & Lawrence and then some timeouts and then some screams of frustation and then again some calm and story time. The 2-2.5 hours when we reach home is just a blur. I will try again today. I meant to take them out to the backyard today, but seems likes it's going to be cold. Will have to come up with something else. It's hard at the moment because I feel so torn between Rachael and Lawrence. Who do I speak with. Who do I chat with. Who do I smile and cuddle with. Please God let me not scar them too badly. I did pray yesterday. Which is good. Hope I remember today too. One day at a time.

I've been kind of good lately. I've managed to spend time with Rachael and Lawrence. IIt's very very hard. Rachael is wonderful sometimes, and terrible at others. Last night we had fun sitting together on the lazy boy enjoying a skinny dipper and whispering to each other. It's the perfect sized ice cream candy for her. 2 nights in a row now she has wanted to go shopping with me. Maybe this weekend. Sunday we most likely will go to the zoo. Tom thinks she'll have more fun there than at the horse show. He's probably right. Plus she'll enjoy the carousel too. Have to make packing lists for Sunday.

Tom's birthday

Tom's very happy today. He got a new pair of shoes as a birthday present. And they were just 'FUN' shoes. I didn't realise it would make him so happy. Shoes are a necessity to me. To Tom and Rachael they seem to be something much more. And he was trying really hard to pick the right shoe - or more importanly the NEEDED shoe, while all along eyeing up the fun shoe. And it's true, I wanted him to pick the NEEDED shoe... but he seemed to want the FUN shoe, so I said, go on babe, just pick it. We can always pick the NEEDED shoe later. He was so happy. Honestly if I had realised he wanted it so much I wouldn't even have brought up the NEEDED shoe. I'm glad he's happy. He works hard for us and he's changed so many of his lifestyle habits - e.g. going from 8-10 hours straight sleep to 6 hours broken sleep. I'm glad he's happy. Happy birthday honey. Funny comment : We looked in the mirror and I said, babe I look so young next to you..lol.. he responds with yup, and it's the young wife looking bored taking the older husband shopping instead of the other way around. I love him to bits.

It's been a while since I posted. Much has changed.. well not terribly but enough. I changed my blogging website page name. I was feeling trapped. I started this blog as my diary, then I got guilt tripped that I wasn't sending mama enough info on the kids so I shared it since I really don't have time to write long emails. But I couldn't write how I was feeling any more. In reality. It all had to be thought and rethought out. So here I am blogging again truly.
We had a good weekend. Lately weekends seem like they go on .. in a good way. They're full and long. But then during the weekday, weekends seem like they passed in a blur. We went for the parade. Rachael got a couple of candy pieces. Her big thing at the moment is BATMAN. I thik it's Devin. Some days she says she's batman, some days she says Devin is batman. And the other day she said, she likes Devin now because he doesn't bite anymore. For her sake I'm glad. She does walk into the room more confidently. Today I saw a mum outside almost in tears. I tried to tell her to take heart and that it does get better. I wonder if it helped. Things have gotten better for Rachael at daycare I think. She's had a couple of 'ACCIDENTS' with waiting too long to pee and not telling her teacher. Hopefully that will change as time passes. I think she's still scared of Shenaz. But otherwise I think she's getting used to being the big sister, going to school and taking Lawrence with her.
We're trying to do more as a family too. This Sunday I think we're going to look at horses. There's a farm up north that has show horses and I should really book the tickets so there's no backing down.
I'm trying to figure out why exactly I'm angry. Probably because I tried to keep my mouth shut and I opened it anyway. The problem doesn't lie with what I have to say because I always have a valid point. Always. I've mulled over it in my head before I can speak. The problem occurs with how I speak it. The first sentence or paragraph will be delivered in a calm rational manner. But let someone dispute it with just an inkling of patronization and my horrible horrible side comes into play. Then all the dogs come out and I tend to snap heads. I don't know what it achieves except making me feel horrible, like a big lug or a bull in a glass shop. I cannot understand why I cannot stay calm, rational, friendly and kind during the whole exchange. I really must try and change the way I speak. Remember KIND KIND KIND.
I just realized that I originally started this blog with the thought process that I would count my blessings in it. Keep record of it, so that on hard days I coukd turn to it as a refresher. Instead it has some how morphed into a whine session. The good part is I caught it. I have to focus on positive energy.
Lawrence is becoming a charmer. He pushed his bottle out of his mouth this morning and looked up at me with the cutest smile ever! I swear I felt my heart MELT. I wonder how long before he tries it on the teachers. He does adore Rachael. He follows her with his eyes and talks to her. She for her part love his, most ..lol.. of the time. Sometimes I have to stop the love..lol.. it gets too strong.. She doesn't realise how strong she is. Today I will be good to my children. I will read stories to them and spend some time playing with them. Time passes too soon.