I put my hand in my pocket (of my cargo pants) today and came up with 2 swedish fish. Given that I dislike swedish fish, their presence in my pocket was funny. I've left them there. I'm hoping the owner of those 2 swedish fish comes looking for them this evening on the way home and finds them.. that is before I puts my pants in the wash, swedish fish and all. So that's how our mornings start. With swedish fish. Tommy shares them with Rachael. I think Rachael adores and misses him so much she will like anything Tommy does. And that's their ritual, every morning before he puts her in the car seat for drive to day care he gives her 2 swedish fish. At the beginning I worried what kind of mom I would look like when Rachael walks into daycare with swedish fish every morning. Then I decided I didn't care. It makes tom and rachael happy. I know he hates being away from us, and if this is their little shared time then so be it..

And yesterday October 20th Rachael and Lawrence welcomed a new cousin - Joshua - about 8061 miles 12,972 kms away in Mumbai. At this point we're not sure if he's going to be Joshua or Jeremiah, so for now I guess we'll go with J. Welcome J. We're so proud of you. And with him comes many exciting ideas. Hopes that Rachael and Lawrence will grow to know their cousins in India. Dreams that they will love each other enormously and look forward to seeing each other. Thoughts that they will spend holidays in Goa on the beach together. And while we may not have had the best cousins ourselves, I do have some really good memories. Getting Sonia and Bosco married in Goa, Playing conductor in the verandah with Cookie and Glen, Going to see Love Story (Kumar Gaurav & Vijayta Pandit) with Cookie and Glen - Monica aunty not showing us Sunday evening movie at 6:00 (can't remember the reason), but it was sashi kapoor in the movie I think. Anyways I want tthose same memories for Rachael and Lawrence....

Sweetest Day

We celebrate sweetest Day. Yes I know it's a hallmark created day but we still celebrate it. It marks the first of the flowers that Tommmy sent to me when we just began kind of dating. I still remember the bunch of flowers coming to work at Pink Roccade. So we celebrate it. This year I thought he forgot... and so I asked him if he knew what was on Saturday... and meanie that he is pretended for a bit..lol..Saturday morning when I woke up I had the bestest bunch of red roses and the cutest card ever with Tommy as a giraffe, Rachael a bird and Lawrence an ant. I loved it. The downside to this is that we think Rachael has allergies to pollen. She's been coughing in the night and we're not sure if it's the pollen causing it or if she just has a cold... and I can't bear to give up my roses so I'm moving them all around the house.

The ticket that keeps costing

So last week I got a ticket. It started out at $75 for going 55 in a 40 mile zone .. that plus all the stress & fear of being pulled over. Then as I read through it realised I had to go to driving school so it wouldn't go on my record... great ... cost of that went up to $115. So today I went in to the bank to make a cashier's cheque / money order for the same ... and that cost me an additional $5. So all in all my ticket cost me a whopping $120 and made me late to work anyways. So what did I learn.

First I was really upset. Then I realised it was a warning... if I can call it that. I'd begun driving too fast. I was more confortable with my driving now and I was beginning to take unnecessary risks.. many of them and that was stupid. So even though it has cost us $120 I hope I've learnt my lesson. And as painful as it may seem I'm going to follow the rules of the road now. I know it could have been much much worse.

Columbus Day Weekend

I cooked lunch yesterday and tom took leftovers for dinner. I was pushed to cook by a blog I read by Miss zoot. I haven't cooked from scratch in a long time. All I made yesterday was smoked sausage skillet with some pickled peppers, potatoes and sundried tomatoes. And then last night when I called tom at work and asked if he'd eaten dinner, he said yes and it was yummy and while he ate it he felt very loved. I felt pleased and bad both at the same time. Very pleased that he enjoyed it, very pleased that he felt loved but very sad that I hadn't made more of an effort to cook. And I thought about our life. I used to cook. Tom doesn't always like to eat. He doesn't mind very much what he eats (not like dada). He's a really good husband ... and he always said thanks babe not matter what I put in front of him.. home made baked cookies from scratch or a frozen bag of bertolli. So the motivation to cook wasn't really there. And then after Rachael and Lawrence came I've been so busy with work, and taking care of them, losing all the weight I gained and feeding Rachael things she can eat that making home made meals from scratch just got put on the back burner. I still don't think I'll make a habit to cook everyday... bit I like making something special for him on the weekends. It makes our family time all that more special. Lately Rachael and I have baked him cookies... and then this weekend I made him eggs for breakfast and some lunch too.. Amazing ..lol..

This weekend we didn't end up going to the museum. The chicago marathon was on and there would be road closures and no parking so we skipped it entirely. Instead we planted tulips. Red and yellow ones. Tom dug the holes, Rachael dropped the tulip bulbs in and I burried them. Lawrence stood outside with us for a little bit in his exersaucer. But he's having a rough time lately. He's teeth have really been bother him... Lots and Lots of drool.. And he has a lowgrade fever.. .. The good part is that he's also moving now... dragging himself everywhere and he loves it... And lastnight Elmo entertained both Lawrence and Rachael... for a good 10 mins. I changed the batteries and Elmo came back to life..lol.. Maybe I'll do that in all the noisemaker toys and I'll have some relative peace and quiet.

Not sure how to classify today. It started out really well... then I got my first ticket. For speeding. For $75. I'm so mad at myself. I was dreaming while driving and fell way back ... suddenly I realised it.. and sped up to catch the Fedex truck that had been in front of me at the intersection... The horrible part is that I saw the flashing lights way up in the distance... and the part of me that lacks brain decided to speed up before it got closer... really I have no brain. Just so angry at me! I'm not sure why I'm really angry. I know it was my fault. I know I deserve it. Sadly I'm not mad because I was speeding but because I got caught. Because I got caught stupidly when I knew there was a cop in front of me. And that makes it worse. I suppose I should take this as an eye opener. Winter will be here soon and even though I have a short drive to work I do it in a hurry after I drop the kids off. I must remember to FOCUS. I'm just still mad at me.

I just finished figuring out how to pay for the ticket. We're already strapped because we don't have a renter from October... and now this. I sold the stock I bought in Walgreens a while back.. made a little money. I'd just bought a few shares.. and now it will cover the ticket (which with the driving school is $115, and will also give me some left over for a visa to India ($150). The OCI costs $275 ... and right now that's $125 we don't need to spend... 10 years down the line I can relook at it. Also I won't need to go to the indian place for pics now... just plain old regular photographs will do.. And while I'm still unhappy with what I did this morning... I know it could have been worse. I promise today not to speed anymore... and furthermore not to take any more risks while driving. I will let the car behind me honk and work himself into a tizzy but I will stay the course.

Today Tom and I tossed around the idea of Chicago getting the Olympic bid... and we quickly calculated that Rachael and Lawrence would be 7 & 9 years old... old enough to understand... and we decided to hold on to the condo.. and shackout there in sleeping bags when the time came... Unfortunately Chicago lost the bid... but I've spent the entire day thinking of Rachael growing up. She's already reached the age where she's now a little grownup and I suddenly thought of first holy commnuions, and her growing up. And I'm excited and terrified all in one. I want to do this right ... I want to bring her up right.

We went apple picking on Sunday. We did everything but apple pick which is funny... we didn't apple pick cause each bag cost $40 and really .. we're not that health conscious... so we'll save apple picking for next year at a cheaper spot when both the kids can get their fill. We went to Apple Holler this year. Somewhere around wednesday I start telling Rachael what we're going to do on the weekend so she has somehting exciting to look forward to. The weekdays are hard on all of us.. so having that joy to hold on to makes it somehow bearable. So we went on a little toy train, Rachael sat on a great big horse... (she was definitely part excited part terrfied), and then we just hung out.. had some grilled hot dogs... Rachael must have been hungry cause she ate the bread too.. and then all of the cinnamon twist..lol.. This weekend Tom is working so we're going to plant some bulbs (tulips red and yellows). After apple holler we stopped at Jewel and bought a pumpkin.... It's our first pumpkin ever... I shut off my mind and let them carve in in the house while lawrence played around with the guts... sometimes I can manage to quiet the nagging in my head that tells me just how much cleanup there will be....The pumpkin is gorgeous though. Tommy did a great job on it... all pretty with flickering tea candles and all.

This weekend we're going Apple picking. Rachael has been learning about apples in school and fall is the perfect time to go. We're going to Apple holler. Lately I've noticed many many changes in Rachael. It's like she's gone from a 2 year old to an adult just as she turs 2.5. This amazes me. She puts 2 and 2 together, reasons, understands and can even co-relate ... and she REMEMBERS. Part of me enjoys it. Part of me wishes for the days when I could say something and she would forget it before the hour was up. Last night she was being whiny.. okay she's whiny many times and I've yet to figure out how to cope with it.. I'm still in the trial and error phase and last night I used Santa.. without thinking. I don't know how it popped into my head.. but out it came.. that she wasn't going to get any presents cause Santa was watching her and keeping track. It didn't make a hoot of difference last night. But this morning on the way to school she said 'Mom I'm a good girl'. And I said yes honey you are, to which she reponded 'Will Santa bring me presents'. I couldn't believe it. I had already forgotten our conversation.. but obviously she had been mulling over it.. So I proceeded with caution telling her that he would if she was a good girl.. didn't whine.. and did what mommy asked her to. Okay Giant undertaking .. but hey I had to try... and then she made me sing "You better not shout, you better not pout " over 10 times. I love my daughter. She's the apple of my eye and the guilt I feel about the things I do, want to do or miss doing is enormous. I hope I bring her up right.


Lawrence Update: He's now up to screaming REALLY LOUDLY and smiling at it. He loves his voice... and thinks it's really funny if I scream back. And he's moving, scooting his little butt everywhere... dragging himself along and exploring.