I'm wiped out today. No sleep is taking it's toll, and arguing with Tom doesn't help. I know we love each other, we just can't seem to figure out how much work each of us wants to do / needs to do. Plus we're barely getting any time with each other, and even less sleep. And Rachael is having a rough time at daycare. I'm just too tired today. I don't think I'll blog. I have a feeling all it will yield is negativity. Favourite quote of the week Rachael "Mama I no want boys shoes, I want girl shoes". This was in Marshalls, when we went shopping for a new pair of shoes. Boys shoes=trainers.

I'm having an excessively long day today. Too much is happening... and my brain isin't even working fast enoguh to process it. Let see. Rachael got a bruise at day care yesterday. We have it sorted to where we have to now teach her to either 1. Fight back 2. Go tell her teacher when someone hits her or bites her. Tom is having a hard time coping with the idea that another kid hurt his daughter. I'm having a hard time grasping the concept of teaching my daughter to fight back when it's something that comes naturally to me. She's a wonderful girl. Nothing escapes her, yet her teacher asked me today if she spoke english. She speaks it very fluently and constantly. It broke my heart to think that she doesn't play much at the daycare and that she doesn't participate. The good side is that while she isin't talking there, she comes home and tells us a lot of what happens there. Ms. Shenaz and Ms. Aftab said they would look out for her next week. This weekend Rachael goes to visit her cousins. Maybe we can practice fighting back there. I feel better though. Atleast I know why she's been crying, or atleast I have a few reasons other than just going back after a long period. I have to teach her not to start a fight, but to definitely finish one. It's not okay to hit, but I'm completely fine with her asserting her self. On another note we booked our flights to Bombay. Rachael and me are going in Jan for Donna's wedding. It'll be long and exhausting but fun. On an even further note I found this quote that I really like. It's by Tony Dungy (football player). Quote: Do what you’re supposed to do when you’re supposed to do it. Not Almost. All the way. Not most of the time. All the time. Whatever it takes, no excuses, no explanations.

Annoyance:

I'm very tired today. Practically no sleep last night with has left me crabby, and it didn't help that each time Lawrence was asleep all I could do was lay there and stare at the ceiling. Which ofcourse led to thinking of my latest peeves. It's annoying passive aggressive "GREEN" people. I get it. I get that they are trying to save the earth 1 rain barrel at a time, and one pop can at a time, and I'm all for it, as long as I don't have to have their views forced down my throat each time I say something or turn around. My neighbour is one such "GREEN" environmentally friendly STAY AT HOME mom. While generally a lovely person, she annoys the hell out of me when it comes to the environment. Yesterday's conversation went like this Me: I found a solution to our mushroom problem in the frontyard. Ever helpful google yielded a result that we could try pouring bleach on them once we'd taken the caps off. Her response: Oh but that would be terrible for the environment. Just get on your hands and knees and and dig them up.

A couple of days back, I bought a fancy new weed hog, which I'm pleased to say I love. Great for frustating Saturdays when Tom has to work. Anyways, neighbours comment, oh but you guys can use chemicals to kill your dandelions, we have to pick ours by hand. Okay so I'm new to the whole gardening thing, and yes I'm quite in love with weed and feed... but come on!!! And then ofcourse theres the whole $75 rain barrel thing going on. Really now. Why in the world would I want to pay $75 for a plastic cylinder with a tap at the bottom when if I was so inclined to save my water I could get a $5 plastic tote and and a watering can and have the same effect.

But it's all about convenience ladies. I don't grudge my neighbour her rain barrels or her large sun hat while she weeds. Why should she constantly comments on my lack of green gardening abilities especially since I have a toddler and an infant, a husband on afternoon shifts getting home exhausted in the wee hours of the morning, a pretty exhausting work schedule myself, then do what all stay at home moms do to keep their families alive and happy. So why all the comments on the convenience factors I add into my life.

So last night as I lay in bed plotting my repartee the next time she brings it up I realised that most GREEN PEOPLE are green only so far as it is convenient to them. And yet they have the holier than thou attitude. So lets see I wonder how many GREEN people don't use toilet paper. I grew up using water, and each time my parents visit we have to get the bucket and jug out for them. And do GREEN people not use Kitchen Towels (I love paper kitchen towels). Again I grew up cleaning our kitchen counters with old rags, then wash and reuse. And what about sanitary pads and diapers. All cloth from where I come. All wash and wear. For that matter I believe in our entire existence I may be more green than many other green folks. And what about the mini van she drives with 2 kids while I tot mine around in a dinky nissan sentra. I have to admit all the GREEN in my life was brought about by frugal parents. Hell we even gathered pig dung at our holiday home in Goa and used it to fertilize our plants. But none of it.. not one bit was done to SAVE the earth and be cool while doing it. It all came from trying to save all the money they could to give us a better life. And now that I have it, I believe I've earned the right to chemical fertilizers in my front lawn especially when it means extra time with my family instead of on hands and knees.
p.s. This was brought on in addition by a blog at http://rancidraves.blogspot.com/ again another stay at home mom who's upset that her neighbours wont spend $40 annual to recycle! Maybe she should consider going through their garbage and recycling to help them with busy schedules.

Being a mom:

The hardest part about being a mom is living up to the image I have of myself. It seems to constantly want to change based on what I see or read and all I want to be is just a good mom. Somedays that just seems impossible. Right now I'm reading blogs at Free Range Kids and while I do agree with some of the views I definitely don't agree with all, and I wish I was cool and I could. But Law & Order SVU scares the living hell out of me, and I can't seem to get that it's only a t.v. show. For almost 2 years after Rachael was born I stopped watching it completely. I couldn't deal with it and "head in the sand" ostritch mode seemed a better way. So how are these free range kids moms so definite. Yes I'm trying to teach Rachael how to grow up into a confident young girl. But I do love it that she won't talk to strangers but will stare them down for the better part of 20 minutes before venturing a word. This includes grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins she hasn't met in a while. I've quit trying to make her say Hi to people she doesn't know. Part of me is glad that she waits until she is sure.

Children Post:

I'm doing a children update post today. I have to. Time is flying so fast that if I don't find some means of recording all that they achieve I'll soon forget. So here goes:
Lawrence - Me thinks he has begun realising what crying can get him. At 2 months, that's quite an achievement, considering his sister at 2 is doing exactly the same thing. Maybe she was forced to learn much later cause she was princess for the first 2 years. Anyways, his cradle cap is lessening. We've decided to go the nana route of almond oil and scrub a dub dub instead of trying the t-gel. So far it seems to be working and he's getting handsomer by the day. Nana seems to think he looks exactly like dada. Tom on the other hand is being Tom. While he's a wonderful dad, he really can't handle feedings. To his credit he does try, even if it means I have to put up with a lot of moaning. Mama seems to take it especially badly which is really funny. Tom's words "Lawrence is so troublesome when he's drinking his milk, not at all like Rachael". Given that Rachael was possibly the worst feeder ever (I prayed that she won't puke each time we fed her, and the prayers didn't work much) that's quite an impressive short term memory loss for him. Still I'm not holding it against him. He's a wonderful dad, and I know by the time Lawrence is a year he will have Tom eating out of his hands.
Rachael is getting much better at daycare. Yesterday she brought me a "corn" - read acorn. She found it on the playground and kept it for me. I love her so much. I feel so bad that she's having such a hard time adjusting. I wish we could fast forward to 10 years from now when she and lawrence adore each other and are keeping secrets from us. Right now she eyes him warily, has a tantrum if I pick him up when I reach home, and still asks if she can "beat" him. Lawrence on the other hand adores her. He follows her longingly (or atleast in my guilt ridden mind) with his eyes. Maybe we should have helped her learn to share much earlier. But I suppose "My Tommy" should have warned us of the possessive streak in her. The good side is that someday she will be as possesive about lawrence and be his body guard or vice versa. For now she's just being a 2 year old.

Mixed Bag Day:

I'm having a mixed day today. I skipped my walk, which is truly inexcusable given that it was perfect walking weather. What I did instead was get a pedicure. While it doesn't salvage the guilt I feel at not walking, I do have pretty feet again. I feel pretty oh so pretty ..lol.. Okay would have been prettier if I had walked. But I also did manage to get Tom a spreader from an ad on craigslist so he doesn't have to keep borrowing one. So back to my pedicure. I always thought pedicures were an extravagance, until my 4 year old nephew pointed out that I had claws instead of toes. Dramatic obersavation while we were jumping up and down on his trampoline. Needless to say I have never let him see me again without a pedicure. I have to admit I do like getting one now. I won't splurge, but my sister did get me a gorgeous one when I was pregnant. $80 for a red door spa pedicure. Honest I couldn't believe they went for that much! Today's was a $25 one. And boy can I tell the difference. So maybe I'll never get another $80 pedicure, but I'll keep doing the cheaper ones, and then I'll get a giant gold bond "fix my feet " tube.

I've lost 2.5 lbs since last Monday. I started at 182.5 and I was 179 today. I check my weight everyday, and the lowest I fell to during the week was 177. This week I want to get to177 quickly and stay there the whole week. I need to lose the weight. I just read a scary article that said most women needed to lose the pregnancy weight by 6 months, else it would be a life time companion. Considering I've always had a weighty issue, I figure I definitely need to lose the extra lbs fast. So far I've maintained walking for an hour each day (unless it rains), and I've been drinking my water. While I haven't made it to 3 glasses of milk a day I do manage 1. I have to figure out a way to drink more milk. And I found something else that works for me. Nutella. I love chocolate and can probably never give it up. Now instead of chocolate I buy a jar of nutella, and have a couple of spoonfuls during the day. While still not healthy, it does have more protein and fiber than normal chocolate.. and it's yummy. Right now the jar has lasted about a week. Maybe this time I'll try to make it last a week and a half. Baby Steps.

Priorities:

I received an email today from my sister about someone I don't know. Normally I don't care about strangers. But this one had a great philosophy. He was giving up his job (at a time when the economy is in the pits) to spend time with his wife. His words "I've spent 152 days in operational travel, and Lis and I like each other too much to allow this to continue". I admired him. Tom just started a job where he spends less time with us. About an hour a day, and a weekend every other weekend. And right now those weekends are filled with innumerable jobs that need to be done. When did our priorities change. I needed Tom to take the job he's at. It provides our family with financial stability at the cost of family time. I know he misses giving Rachael her bath at nights, relaxing with me and watching Law & Order after the babies are asleep and the many other things we did as a family. Now he gets home at 3:00 sometimes 4:00 in the morning - exhausted. Then wakes up at 6:30 to spend an hour with us while we rush around getting ready for work and daycare. When we leave he gets some more rest, and then he's off to work. Is it worth it. Did we make the right descision. In today's world am I doing right by my children going off to work, leaving them at daycare... they're growing up without us. Yes we try to spend as much time as we can, and we try to make that time count. But what's better? Living in Deerfield in nice house with a yard, good schools and a shortage of family time or living in a condo with questionable schools but lots of Mommy time. For now we've chosen the former. The guilt it brings I live with on a daily basis.

Turn Around

I'm having a lovely day today. Sleep deprived, but a complete and wonderful turn around from yesterday's financial fiasco. Chase refunded the $39 late fee charge they had slapped on us for paying the cr. card a day late. Our new medical insurance went into place even though we were 2 days late filing for it, saving us $200 a month, Rachael got a smiley on her had for taking a 2 hour nap, and best of all this morning when I dropped her off she didn't cry. Just reiterated that mama would come pick her up after nap time and we'd go to the back yard. What a wonderful morning considering Lawrence kept me up all night. Good things happen if when we're persistent ..lol..
Meher called last night. I'm not sure what our relationship is anymore. To me she seems on a downward spiral. I do believe that each of us is entitled to our own mistakes. But it feels horrible to stay silent in this case. Truth is that when she called in my 9th month with Lawrence I actually did let loose at her, and it went nowhere. She put it down to me being in a bad mood. I guess we've both changed. we're no longer the people we used to be. We moved in different directions. I thought we could stay friends, but I'm not sure anymore. It's not like we dislike each other. I just haven't got the energy or the time or the inclination to hold her hand while she deals with the same issues that plagued her 10 years back. But I haven't got the heart to say that to her either.

It's my second week at work and I haven't lost any weight. Gained instead. I'm not dieting far from it.The only thing I stuck to religiously last week was my walk. I walked everyday at lunch. This week I plan on making it a complete hour of walking at lunch. Also adding a glass of milk to my morning breakfast. I have to lose weight. I'm not doing atkins anymore, and ww is way too hard. I have to figure out a way to up my will power and not eat sweets. Current weight 182 lbs. Today: Drank my milk, walked at work. Tonight I have to try and do 50 ab crunches

I feel down again today. It seems to be a reoccurring feeling and today I attribute it to tom. I wish he would make more of an effort to spend time with us. It's really upset me. I realise he comes home late and needs to sleep but where does that leave our family if he doesn't make the effort to wake up and spend atleast an hour with us in the morning. He hasn't gone to a meeting in a while too. I don't see why it is my job to remind him of the things he needs to do to stay emotionally happy and to have a good family life. I tried yesterday and today I really needed him to wake up and spend some time with me and Rachael and talk to us. See how our day went, talk to us about the daycare, about what it was at my first week back at work after the baby. The last time I was at work he was laid off, I was pregnant and the company had gone through layoffs. Doesn't he realise he has to work extra hard now that he's on afternoon shifts.

Strawberry plantings.

I need a pick me up today. I feel really down. there's just so much happening. I'm taking Rachael's daycare the hardest. I want to call every single hour to check on her. Today I've limited it to once a day. Yesterday i called thrice. I just want to hear that she's playing, enjoying herself. She always cried when I left her at daycare, but she always seemed to have so much fun when she was there before... and didn't want to go home. Now it seems like she just can't wait to go home. When I call I can hear her in the background crying. It's amazing how a mother can pick her daughter's cry out. I guess she's doing the best she can... she's crying a little less, participating a little more. Naptimes apparently are the worst and she falls asleep sitting on her cot but won't lay down. I wish I could hold her, or somehow explain to her what is happening. Tonight we're going to plant strawberries. She got it as a gift for her birthday, and she's learning about plants at daycare so it seems like the ideal way to spend some time together.

Change in career path.

I'm considering a change in my career. It seems the ideal time to do it. the company I work with announced lay offs at the beginning of the year, and we know there will be layoffs again at the end of this year. I wasn't in the first round and for that I was grateful. I don't know if I will be in the second. If I did get laid off it seems like it would be a good time for a career change. I don't think I want to be an oracle dba any more. It's good money. Hell it's really good money and I'm relatively good at it. But there's no passion any more. And I want to spend more time with my family. Tom's got a good job now and good benefits. The downside is that he works the afternoon shift. We're hoping that he does really well and gets lots of promotions and makes lots of money..lol.. I'm not entirely sure I want the career change. I know I want it because I'm tired of doing oracle. I don't find it fasinating or interesting like the other dbas and I don't really have a desire to learn more of it. But I'm not sure what exactly I would like to change careers into. Lately there seems to be a fasciantion with being a teacher. Not so much the fasination of teaching because I have no clue what I would teach, but more the fasination with the summers off to spend time with my 2 monkeys. They will have entire summers off for a few years and it would be wonderful to spend it with them instead of the measly 3 weeks I get. On the other hand I don't know what the pay is, if I would get a job in the close vicinity of my home, the cost of getting a teaching degree and what I would teach... maybe I need to research this a bit. Another idea I've toyed with for a while... actually since years is a business analyst. I find being a liason great. I prefer pouring through documents and understanding a business needs and then translating that to an IT person, more than actually being the IT person it's translated to. Maybe I need to research this too. Anyways theres no change for the immediate future... so I can play it by ear.

Resuming Daycare

Rachael is taking daycare really badly. I didn't expect it because she went to the same place as an infant and then as a toddler... but the 6 month break has upset her. Friday was her first day back. She cried some but had a relatively good day. We went to the store and got a big box of sidewalk chalks. Then Monday was a horror. She cried the whole day, didn't have her snack and didn't have any lunch. When I picked her up her eyes were red and swollen but she seemed okay. She showed me how she pulled her sleeves up and washed her hands after potty, then wiped them on paper and threw it in the garbage bin. I was so proud of her. This morning she took bear to school with her. She didn't want to go, and bear seemed to make the ordeal more bearable. It's a few hours since she's been there and I've called a couple of times. So far she's cried some, taken a break, walked around holding her teacher's hand, slept for about 10 minutes, eaten 1/2 her lunch and cried some more. I've asked them to give her some books to read cause she likes them. I hope the latter part of the day goes better for her. The teacher says that all kids have an adjustment period of about a week. I hope she does better. It's hard being at work when I know she's at daycare crying.