Yesterday was an exceptionally long day. I didn't take any fat burners and boy was I exhausted at the end of the day. Went to sleep at 8:30, and mama fed lawrence his 10:30 feed. I guess I need the energy those burners give, even though they're not doing anything for the fat. Still at 179 lbs. I started Atkins on Sunday. I'm just going to try and do the best I can until the christening. Sunday, and Monday were good. Last night I had 1/2 a cookie. Needed the sugar to stay marginally sane. Today I had a handful of nuts. I seem to need fruit and nuts. Maybe I should see what South beach is about. I think I can go without refined sugars... but then again once mama leaves I'm going to need a lot more energy, and a lot more sugar if I'm to not bite everyone's head off. Maybe I should do WW. But who has the energy or time to count points. Maybe I'll just get fat and deal with it.

Rachael is having a hard time at daycare again. Not sure what happened. But she had a good couple of weeks, and then on Thursday she cried the whole day. She had a bruise on her chest when she came home. I'm still not sure what happened, but she says that either devin or emmet hurt/bit her. I had a long talk with the teacher on Friday and then yesterday lost my temper at her. I want her to watch Rachael over the next few days.. give her more attention. And then she called in sick today. I checked in today and Ms. Aftab says she's been crying in spurts. Did her art project.. so I guess that gave her some stimulation. Yesterday after school I promised to take her shopping and buy her a toy. We went and got a spider/octopus, which she took to school today. Today I've promised to take her to the park. It's been raining non stop.. so not sure how that will go. I really want to keep my promises to her, so she understands that mama will do what she says ..i.e. if mama says she will come after naptime she will be there. I did buy her a new 12 princess stories book. Maybe she will be happy with that if it's too soggy outside. Maybe I should take her .... and she won't want to go cause it's wet. The sad part is that Lawrence is barely getting any of my attention at the moment. I guess for now the focus is Rachael. Once nana leaves, they will have to share the limited energy I have. I do try and give him extra cuddles during his midnight feedings. Whoever said having 2 kids was easy. How the hell does that octo mom manage. How doesn't she feel the excessive guilt I feel every moment of the day.

Tom is doing great though. 2 days in a row now he's woken up early, spent time with rachael and me, made us breakfast. It seems to have gone through his head, that he needs to make the effort. It's wonderful. And he's trying and taking on more house work too. I feel so sorry for him cause he's on his feet the whole time at work, and that's exhausting. I did a final check yesterday. We definitely cannot make it on his salary alone. No matter which way I crunched the numbers we cannot do it. In some ways it takes away a little of the guilt I feel, I need to work. Our family needs me to work. We've considered the option of nanny several times. It doesn't make sense for our family. I guess Rachael and Lawrence are going to have to tough it out at daycare. I will have to make sure I give them lots of hugs and attention at home, and remember that it's okay to have a messy house if it means spending time with my family.