Choices:

Jude is not pregnant. She has been valiantly trying over the past months to get pregnant and I'm not sure if she really does want a baby or if she wants to give Amit a baby. She says the latter, still I wonder if a part of her wanted a baby herself. She is such a mother to the rest of us, and it comes so naturally to her, yet she has fought the idea ever since I remember. And this morning she defended her right to not try anymore. Which got me thinking. Why do we feel the need to defend our choices? They're our choices, why should we explain them to anyone other than those affected by them. I see her point. Yes all parents want their siblings and friends to get pregnant so they can experience the turbulent lifestyle that having children brings. We want everyone else who has so callously told us to lose weight, or get our toes done, or go shopping or even to sleep, to experience the utter chaos that having a baby brings. Wallow in our misery is something I completely subscribe to. But I have to admit that there is something truly wonderful about having children. It's something I didn't understand before Rachael and it's something that I can't put into the right words to explain... but it's a myriad of things... Small things like reciting poetry with her in the car, watching her learn our ways, seeing her complete innocence, she's the only one in my life at the moment who doesn't understand sarcasm and it's wonderful. It's an odd joy holding her little hands while she sits on the toilet, or tickling her under her neck.. or seeing her wear gaudy earrings. And it's a real pride to say she's my daughter... but I don't think I could ever explain it to anyone. I completely agree with choices. It's hard though when society always makes us defend those choices and I feel for my sister. I wish we would all back off and let her live her life. I know she is happy and yes I am envious of her travels and her lifestyle. And it would be wonderful if I could some how intermingle her life with mine... but we all make choices and I made mine.... and mine bring me great joy when I'm not pining over missed business class seats and holidays in vienna.