Nana

Mama leaves tomorrow. Rachael is home today with her spending her last Friday troubling nana. It may be a gorgeous day later, but for now it's stormy. It's been a rough couple of days for me. Lots of learning. Lots of panicking. I'm hoping the next few days will be easier. Truth is they'll probably be harder. Ruth asked me how I felt about mama leaving tomorrow. Would I miss her terribly. I will. What's funny is that I will miss my mother. The mother I depend on without consideration. I truly think that you are a good mother when your daughter depends on you without even thinking. And that's what I'm going to miss. The safety net. Knowing she has my back. Knowing that I can leave Rachael or Lawrence or both in her hands without a second thought and they'll be fine. Ruth asked me if I would miss talking to her. And sadly enough I won't because I didn't talk to mama much in the first place. The truth is that while I completely throw my burden onto mama's capable shoulders when she's here, I'm a much better daughter when she's either at Culla's or in Bombay. Then I seem to be able to focus on her. I can hear what she's saying without it being a reflection on me and without being prickly about everything she says. I can listen to her, and sympathize with her and say my sisters are awful people ..lol.. and generally be the daughter she loves, but when she's actually with me ... then .. I guess it's the chance my sisters get to be the better daughter. But I think this time will be easier in some ways for us. When she left last time after Dada died I was resentful. I couldn't see the sadness in her own eyes. I was completely occupied with the whole stress of being a mother that I completely forgot to be the daughter she needed. Thankfully she had culla and sonia and donna. To me it felt like I lost both a mother and father in a single moment. This time I intend atleast to be a better daughter. To make more of an effort to get on the webcam weekly so mama can talk to Rachael and see Lawrence growing up. And we've already booked our tickets to see her in Jan. That's 6 months from now, and it will be a busy 6 months for her. Maybe she won't miss us and we'll be the only ones pining for her. Whatever it is I hope she has a good time at Culla's. Relaxes, unwinds and recharges her depleted batteries. A wedding and a new baby are on the way. I love you mama.