"Attention is the most concrete expression of love. What you pay attention to thrives. What you do not pay attention to withers and dies." I will spend today with Tom, Rachael and Lawrence. Everything else can wait.

Mixed bag day:

It's an odd sort of day today. Yesterday I was on a high, but today... there's too much happening. It's like a beginning and an ending. The morning was hard. Very hard with both Rachael and Lawrence trying my patience. And one loud shout definitely helps. It got Rachael to stop whining and get onto the stool and brush her teeth. Must remember she's a 2 year old Must remember she's a 2 year old. Only I'm not sure what that entails anymore. Oh well I'll scar her for life. We all have our scars. It builds character .. atleast that's my view point now that I'm a mom. 30 years from today she'll be glad she got yelled at to brush her stinky mouth. Which really does smell by the way.
G's leaving today. It's his last day. And I'm unable to articulate just how much I will miss him. It's odd, he's been my boss only for 2 years, and yet he was almost a safety net. He was a great boss. It's a shame to lose him, and I wish the company could have realised just how much they lose not just in terms of wealth of knowledge, but in goodwill. People trusted him. He was always fair. I tried to tell him that I felt safe with him behind me knowing he would guard me against A's many mood swings. I hope he knows.
So it's got me thinking. Are we dispensible. I used to believe we are. But I think the reality is that while everyone and everything is dispensible the things we dispense off impact our lives. Very warped. But there's logic in there. I'll miss G. Whatever the company was thinking when they accepted his application for voluntary I'll never know. I summarize that with 22 years of service they saw the great savings that could be had with him gone. But what about all the wealth of knowledge and experience he takes with him. He was good. Really Really good. There seems to be the general consensus to get rid of the old and usher in the new. At one time, when I was much younger, just starting out I agreed with it. It gave me a newbie a chance to get into the working world. There was nothing I couldn't do in my head. Now with maybe about 14 years of work experience, I know there is so so so much more to learn. And yet we dispensed off with G. Will the company survive without him. Of course. Will there be any great impact by his leaving, No. Then what? It will be impacted I believe in the small ways, the unnoticeable ways, his experience may have changed a design, which may have lead to quicker results, which may have meant better descisions, which may have meant savings for the company. But in the larger scheme of things, no, his leaving doesn't affect the giant. The giant moves on.

I'm having a wonderful day today. Which is perfect considering we had a wonderful weekend. The weekends seem longer now. Maybe we enjoy them more..Maybe it's the happiness that summer is finally here. Maybe we appreciate the weekends because the days are so much harder. Who knows. Yesterday was wonderful It was a gorgeous summer day, so lots of pictures. And even a nice one of me. Yay. Big achievement over the weekend was "No more chi chi" for Rachael. Saturday morning we were chatting - girl to girl and I told her she could have any toy she wanted if she gave up her chi chi. So off she went picked her chi chi and threw it in the garbage. It shocked me, but I wasn't arguing. She asked for an anmal (animal) toy, which I promised she would get. Okay so I didn't keep my promise. I just didn't have a chance..lol.. but she did get a new cool sippy cup that she can colour on and personalize. Not that she care...lol.. and lots and lots of stickers which she's currently using as band-aids for owiies. Don't know where she learnt that. But this is Rachael. "Mama you got owie". And plaster a sticker. Dada you got owie. Plaster a sticker. Lawrence you got owie.. out comes another sticker. Apparently we had A LOT of owies over the weekend.

The nights have been good so far. She starts off wanting her chi chi.. and we do the whole monologue of how BIG PEOPLE don't take chi chi's and how she can take her phone to bed instead, and play with stickers until she falls asleep. So far so good.
Tom is on day's this week. Not a good thing. I was really looking forward to it, but this morning was a nightmare. Thankgod I'm a morning person. Rachael decided she didn't want to eat breakfast unless I fed her EVERY little piece of bread toast. Lawrence decided he didn't want his milk so he filled his mouth and let it run down the sides. I missed my Tommy. and then we all struggled to get loaded in the car. The final saving grace was when I hit upon "Team Work". Rachael is currently into "Saving the Bengal Tiger" and the wonder pets who all do team work. So I managed to convince her that if she wanted to be a wonder pet she had to do team work. Lets go to Work - Team Work.. Yay. Jackpot. We did team work carrying everything out, and then she even said "Lets go Lawrence. Team Work" I love her love her love her. She's so clever. Okay she's so logical. I swear she has to be the smartest kid on the block. She understands everything.

To Do for today:
Call mama and have Rachael connect with her. There will always be a million things to do, but there will never be a lost moment with nana to catch up on.

I give up. Completely. I'm going to subscribe to the American lifestyle, live it up and then file for bankruptcy. I cannot continue the struggle anymore. To what point. I'm being nickled and dimed to death. Today:
I found out that I've been charge $58 as a foreign transaction fee to book a flight to India on Air-India.com I don't get it. Why have a website that offers e-tickets and payment by credit card, only to charge a stupid foreign transaction fee. For that price I could have had an agent book the damn thing for me, and I wouldn't have had to fiddle around with their lousy website.
Then I spent an hour on the phone with AT&T and we didn't reach a resolution. We cancelled our home phone service .. easy peasy you would think, but they offered a $5 savings if we clubbed our billing together for the internet and cell phone, which we said okay to. Bad mistake. They can't seem to find the order any more, and we can't connect to the net from home.
If only America had some way to retaliate. But all the home grown businesses have evaporated and all we're left with are the giants who don't care, so I can't take my business elsewhere.. instead I must trudge along, paying unecessary amounts of money for worthless stuff, talking to automated machines, and when I finally have not an ounce of energy left, then I must work some more and pay more taxes so I can bail the same giants out.
I always wondered what kind of people lived beyond their means and then filed for bankruptcy. Smart people I've now decided. It's the morons like me, who go to work daily, save every penny, live miserably and have nothing to show. From now on we're living it up.
Okay so my personality won't let me do it. But I will make the effort. I will no longer worry if I have to pay a few more $$ for a convenience. I will valet park. And I will not worry about eating out every Friday. Instead I will enjoy my time with my husband and we will have a nice date every Friday ... maybe recapture the magic so I'm don't feel like my life is one giant penny pinching moment.
Children update:
Rachael loves stickers. She spent the entire evening yesterday sticking stickers on every part of her body. But her cutest moment yet was when she said "Mama lets run away ?" Yes like a question. We were watching baby einstein - world animals.. and everytime we saw a lion or a tiger, she would ask "Mama lets run away" So we ran away and hid behind the fridge. My dream for her is that she somehow find a way to put her love for animals into something she does in life. When she turns 3 I want to take her swimming with the dolphins. Maybe next year Florida will be the perfect moment to start.

Lawrence turned for the first time yesterday. Scary moment. He was doing tummy time looking out of the window, and I was in the kitchen cooking butter noodles for Rachael. When I came back a minute later he was flat on his back smiling. So my peaceful moments are over. I now have to watch him too. I keep relieving Rachael's fall from the bed at 6 months. Have to make sure there's no repeat. Maybe that's what scares me being alone at home. I'm terrified that I'm going to forget something ...

Had a long day yesterday and an even longer night. I shan't dwell on it. I remember every little detail so no point rehashing it. Just moving on. For the record I don't do well in heat. I do even worse when I'm hungry and hot. And hungry, hot and hormonal just takes the cake. Unfortunately Tom got a chance to experience it, fortunately he loves me enough to know that even when I blame him for every single misery in my life I still love him. The good parts: Rachael and I got a chance to get some really good mommy -daughter time. We lay on our backs on the deck staring at the sky counting the birds and wishing away the heat. When it wouldn't budge we settled for chocolate ice-cream and cold mango juice. Then the 3 of us settled in for a restless night. Rachael in bed with me and Lawrence in Rachael's bed. All hot and sweaty and uncomfortable. Even worse, Rachael decided she wanted to do panties at night instead of a diaper and had her first mess. Not good. Remind me again why we moved from the city to the 'burbs.... wasn't it something about making life easier.

Some women just don't get it. Pregnancy means you're chance to get FAT. And here's my sister, all size 2 of her with a tiny little bump. And just when I was hoping to be the slim-est at Donna's wedding.

We survived the first day. It was actually really good in the end. I left work early. Picked Lawrence up. He had a good day. Pooped too. Note to self: Don't take the car seat up. It's way too heavy and all I do is hurt my wrists and arms. Then we picked up Rachael. She had a good day too. The down side was I didn't get a chance to hug her when I picked her up cause I had Lawrence. Still we got a lot of hugs in last night. We watered nana's tomatoes, and played with lawrence, let him relax in cloth diapers, fed Rachael soup, told some stories and the gave her a bath. All in all she seems to be understanding that life has changed. I was taking her for a bath when Lawrence cried and I went to him, and she said, Lawrence it's my turn. It was so cute and so heart breaking all at once to know she suddenly realised that mama was being shared and she was waiting her turn. She's at an odd stage at the moment. All independent and babyish at the same time. She's holding on to me more. We play choo choo. And this morning she crawled into bed with me. Tom was sleeping in her room and she woke up. Went looking for me in the kitchen and then came to our room and climbed into bed.. even let me hug her. I like this new stage. Lots of hugs and I love you mama's. Dada is missing his little girl. Lawrence is doing well too. He slept last night from 7:00 until 2:30 this morning. Yay! Now if only i could sleep at the same time. Instead I did housework. This morning we did our first drop off alone. Tom came home late last night, at around 3:00 this morning. And while he helped us get ready, I just didn't have the heart to drag him out to the daycare. Again it went off well. Rachael liked dropping Lawrence off in his room. She would have willingly stayed there and been the BIG girl if they let her. And chocolate. Yes I've eaten a lot of chocolate these past 2 days. Must stop. All I feel is tired and bloated. I'd like to start walking again but it's now in the 90's. Way too hot. Or maybe that's an excuse. I need to start moving and stop eating as much. Tomorrow will be a better day. I joined ww too. It's a week free, so it's a start.

First work day without Nana

My big boy hasn't cried. Not yet. He's just soaking in his new environment. I'm so proud of him. It's been a long long morning. It was actually a long long weekend. I couldn't help stressing, and this morning after they all got dropped off and I was at work it all seemed anti climatic. Rachael decided to be a doll this morning. She carried Lawrence's bottles out to the car, and then again up the stairs to school. In the car she decided that she was going to give me minute updates on how Lwarence was doing. So it was "Mama he's kicking" "Mama Lawrence happy" "Mama lawrence smiling". ThankGod. She did want to go into his school room though.. so a bit of tears at that time ... atleast she knows he's there and that she's not alone in this whole school drama. My stomach is still in knots. It feels like I'm waiting to exhale. And maybe I will, sometime tonight, after they're all safely back home, fed and washed and tucked away in bed. Maybe then I'll take a breather, and know that we survived the first day back to school sans nana.
Not sure how tom is doing. He was up this morning at 6:00. It took the both of 2 hours to get everything and everyone ready, fed and dressed. I hope he gets a chance to unwind now. Father's day was good. We just stayed home, relaxed, watched movie.. Okay I watched part of Benjamin Button and part of Grand Torino, but atleast Tom had a good time watching them. We had steak and potatoes for lunch, and garlic toast and Tomato soup for dinner, and all through it Rachael was an angel sitting at the table with us, even saying "Mama only big people drink soda, Only dada drink soda" I guess I'm little people. I'm not sure why I'm recording all this. Maybe it's to proove to myself that we did it. We got through the weekend without nana and now we're gonna get through today. I have to admit I was terrified the whole weekend of this morning. I have no clue how mama managed 4 kids without dada. I'm terrified just to go home this evening with a toddler and an infant and no Tom. I keep wondering how I'm going to cope. I really don't want to handle it by shouting at Rachael if she doesn't listen, cause she's going to be tired too. Maybe it will be an easy evening. So far God's doing good. My boss is ooo so I can unwind a bit.
Have to record rachael's day:
1. She's decided to make up words as we go along. All-a-body=Everybody. And she seems to think that when I say Nobody, and she thinks otherwise she must respond with Yesbody. Part of me doesn't want to correct her cause it's so cute.
2. Saturday she spent running to the big windows and looking for nana. "Nana's home I think so" and then when she and Tom went to get movies, she told him "Dada lets go find nana". I have no clue what's running through that precious head of hers.

Biters:

Rachael got bit again on Wednesday. I couldn't believe it. And just when I had made the post about progress. If she was progressing, I regressed when I heard she was bit again. And by the same boy Devin (atleast by her account). It was the longest day and night I had in a long time. Guilt, Fear and helplessness intermingled. I had just read a post on another website on a discussion between SAHM, WAHM and working outside the home moms and apparently the poster thought that no one had it harder. Honestly come on. I do believe all have it harder, but atleast SAHMs & WAHMs know their children aren't being bitten, they don't have to deal with wondering if they're doing the best they can in terms of child care. We picked Bright Horizons Green Tree because it was the best daycare we could find. We heard very good reports about it and Rachael did have good care givers as an infant and then a toddler. But after 6 months at home she was having a hard time adjusting to daycare, sharing, and mingling again. And then she got bit the first time. And then again. I just didn't know what to do. It ended up in frustation at the teacher for not watching the biters more, frustation with myself for not knowing how to resolve it and frustation that while I wanted Rachael to fight back I didn't really want her to start hitting. All I was left with was being able to teach my daughter how to shout really loudly "GO AWAY DEVIN " or "BAD BOY DEVIN" if he came to bit or hurt her. That's not much. And ofcourse Tom took it badly too. We spent the entire night going through nanny postings. I can't remember if I've posted my own personal misgivings about nannies. They work for some family very well, but I have to many head issues with nannies. And yet here I was freaking out and looking through nanny postings. The good news was that we found atleast 4 that we liked the sound off. So I made the appointments for the interviews. And then Rachael had a good day at daycare. Do you know how hard it to make a change that you really don't want to make when someone has a hard day. I called her teacher and she said Rachael stood up duing sing song and sang baa baa black sheep all by herself. They were helping the children sing songs by themselves and there my little girl was singing too. How then could I take her out from day care when she was obviously teaching herself to be strong and brave and make the effort. So we've decided to give it some more time. I've googled the hell out of biters and bitees. And my brain acknowledges that it may be a developmental issue, but my heart still wants all biters to be locked down far away from my little princess. I know I can't protect her forever, but 2 seems too young to defend herself. Jude's suggestion - find a judo class.. which I actually will try and do. So far now, come Monday Rachael & Lawrence will make their way to school. I'm hoping to talk to Rachael this weekend about how she needs to protect her baby brother and herself. Maybe the big sister protective streak will kick in.

Nana

Mama leaves tomorrow. Rachael is home today with her spending her last Friday troubling nana. It may be a gorgeous day later, but for now it's stormy. It's been a rough couple of days for me. Lots of learning. Lots of panicking. I'm hoping the next few days will be easier. Truth is they'll probably be harder. Ruth asked me how I felt about mama leaving tomorrow. Would I miss her terribly. I will. What's funny is that I will miss my mother. The mother I depend on without consideration. I truly think that you are a good mother when your daughter depends on you without even thinking. And that's what I'm going to miss. The safety net. Knowing she has my back. Knowing that I can leave Rachael or Lawrence or both in her hands without a second thought and they'll be fine. Ruth asked me if I would miss talking to her. And sadly enough I won't because I didn't talk to mama much in the first place. The truth is that while I completely throw my burden onto mama's capable shoulders when she's here, I'm a much better daughter when she's either at Culla's or in Bombay. Then I seem to be able to focus on her. I can hear what she's saying without it being a reflection on me and without being prickly about everything she says. I can listen to her, and sympathize with her and say my sisters are awful people ..lol.. and generally be the daughter she loves, but when she's actually with me ... then .. I guess it's the chance my sisters get to be the better daughter. But I think this time will be easier in some ways for us. When she left last time after Dada died I was resentful. I couldn't see the sadness in her own eyes. I was completely occupied with the whole stress of being a mother that I completely forgot to be the daughter she needed. Thankfully she had culla and sonia and donna. To me it felt like I lost both a mother and father in a single moment. This time I intend atleast to be a better daughter. To make more of an effort to get on the webcam weekly so mama can talk to Rachael and see Lawrence growing up. And we've already booked our tickets to see her in Jan. That's 6 months from now, and it will be a busy 6 months for her. Maybe she won't miss us and we'll be the only ones pining for her. Whatever it is I hope she has a good time at Culla's. Relaxes, unwinds and recharges her depleted batteries. A wedding and a new baby are on the way. I love you mama.

Progress:

Rachael is having a good day. I just called her teacher cause I was feeling uneasy... and she said Rachael was singing for the first time today ... brother john. But when her teacher looked at her she stopped and put her head down, so her teacher looked away and pretended to look at the other children and she started up. Yay .. Finally participation.

Lawrence's Christening

Lawrence Sean Over born March 9th, 2009 became a Catholic on June 14th, 2009, baptized at Holy Cross Church, Deerfield. He was the cutest little boy between 2 little girls getting christened too, all handsome in his long pants, vest and bow tie. I don't think we have a picture of him all dressed up and I must remember to take one. Rachael was a wonderful sister, albeit a little unhappy that she was dressed in a crinkly 'party' dress with a necklace and 2 clips. Credit ofcourse goes to nana who thinks she looks so "well dressed". If it was up to mama, she would have probably found her way to church in jeans, t-shirt and a long cool necklace.. Oh well, it's nice to have a grumpy looking well dressed 2 year old for posterity sake. My own dress didn't fit :( what's new, so out came the saving grace salwar khameez. Thankyou Soni for your thoughtful gift. It's now saved me twice - Easter and the christening. I really have to drop the weight. The christening was nice, everyone we wanted there was present and ON TIME and we had a wonderful sunny day.. oh God punished us a bit for begging for a sunny day by sending us a sunny sweltering day but we'll take that over rainy and cold. Lawrence's great grand ma made it to the party too and we actually have a couple of pics... which reminds me - I must never ask Jiju to take pics again. He is TERRIBLE. Must remember to BEG Jude to give up her video and take pics instead. We have a boat load of pics for Rachael's christening and I'm still sorting through all the hazies and 1/2 faces of Lawerence's to get some good ones. And we have a ton of food left. We had Judy's pizza and antipasti platters from whole foods and buffalo wings and we ordered way too much. So this week I'm back on Atkins. Okay now I have to say this because it still bugs me. And I'll probably delete it as time passes but for now 'Just what was Cathy thinking'! She showed up with gifts for Ronan, Joanie and Annie and nothing for Rachael or Lawrence, fully aware it was lawrence's christening. I just don't get her. I don't need the presents, but I just don't get the getting presents for one set of grandkids and not for the others. If I had more courage I would raise the issue with her, but for now I'll take the coward's way out and just generally ignore her. But other than that the christening went well. I do like Dan Murphy and Julie. They're just my type of folks. Nicely laid back. And I'm trying to be nicer to Denise. I keep reminding myself that all Rachael will have when she gets married is Lawrence's family... so I have to be nicer to Tom's sister. She is easy most of the time... if only she didn't feel the need to visit so often..lol.. Okay anti social me needs some downtime with my own family. maybe I'll talk to her about it.. I probably won't. or maybe I will. Oh and Lawrence made a nice little started package. I have to start a CD for him with it. The biggest chunk came courtesy Jude.. thanks Jude. I'm sure as time goes by both Rachael and Lawrence will be begging to go to DC all the time time given the toys she buys them. Rachael was the winner this time with a phone, snow white and a new lounge chair! Oh and a princess ball too. Some not so nice things she learnt too "Shake your BOOTY" .... dribbling spit .. things Jude just can't seem to give up. Culla if you're reading this ... she definitely misses you. She's now woken up 3 days in a row with a "Shake your booty".

Choices:

Jude is not pregnant. She has been valiantly trying over the past months to get pregnant and I'm not sure if she really does want a baby or if she wants to give Amit a baby. She says the latter, still I wonder if a part of her wanted a baby herself. She is such a mother to the rest of us, and it comes so naturally to her, yet she has fought the idea ever since I remember. And this morning she defended her right to not try anymore. Which got me thinking. Why do we feel the need to defend our choices? They're our choices, why should we explain them to anyone other than those affected by them. I see her point. Yes all parents want their siblings and friends to get pregnant so they can experience the turbulent lifestyle that having children brings. We want everyone else who has so callously told us to lose weight, or get our toes done, or go shopping or even to sleep, to experience the utter chaos that having a baby brings. Wallow in our misery is something I completely subscribe to. But I have to admit that there is something truly wonderful about having children. It's something I didn't understand before Rachael and it's something that I can't put into the right words to explain... but it's a myriad of things... Small things like reciting poetry with her in the car, watching her learn our ways, seeing her complete innocence, she's the only one in my life at the moment who doesn't understand sarcasm and it's wonderful. It's an odd joy holding her little hands while she sits on the toilet, or tickling her under her neck.. or seeing her wear gaudy earrings. And it's a real pride to say she's my daughter... but I don't think I could ever explain it to anyone. I completely agree with choices. It's hard though when society always makes us defend those choices and I feel for my sister. I wish we would all back off and let her live her life. I know she is happy and yes I am envious of her travels and her lifestyle. And it would be wonderful if I could some how intermingle her life with mine... but we all make choices and I made mine.... and mine bring me great joy when I'm not pining over missed business class seats and holidays in vienna.

I've been completely Americanised. I just booked rooms for a family holiday next May (2010). To me that epitomizes Americanism. I've never booked a vacation a year in advance, and today took the cake. My reasoning was that we're a family now. We have certain needs. And it was a good deal. Clear water Beach - Florida - for a week at $1000 for 2 bedroom home with a kitchen and laundry. Our inital holiday was going to be in Wyoming. Tom is dying to go back to the place where he spent his formative years, and I really do want to see Old faithful, and the Grand Tetons. But with a 3 year old and a 1 year old it seems that vacations with any form of adventure will have to be a dream for now. So we're settling on (I'm sure this will be the case) a much needed beach vacation after a Chicago winter. I can't wait, and we still aren't even into the summer of 2009. 2 fun things to look forward to now. Definitely have to lose the weight.

I wanted to write something positive about Rachael today. It seems that over the past days I've been consumed by her tears at daycare and my ways to fix it all of which translates to me calling her high maintenance. In reality she is just another 2 year old, who doesn't like strangers, has begun adoring her mama (gone are the days when only dada could do it) and is beginning to realise just what she can and can't get away with. It's wonderful watching her grow and learn new stuff - the latests being "Are you sleeping brother Lawrence". Oh and she has finally mastered colours. Tonight after school we're going to the ice cream truck, Rachael will have a strawberry PINK ice cream, Lawrence a BLUE berry cone and nana a BROWN choclate one. Poor mama is still motivated to stay on Atkins. We are now down to 176 lbs. YAY. Oh and she's also beginning to get into dress up. I did see some cute dress up clothes at TJMAXX the other day. Thankfully I already scheduled a walk for today... but maybe tomorrow I'll go get her some princess clothes... see benefits of a working mama.

I've found a mom I really like. She doesn't know I exist, but she blogs and I like her blogs so I follow them. I love the one from today.It reminds me of many days with Rachael. Yesterday was a good day.. Relatively. I picked her up, and she was all smiles, and she even spoke in front of Ms. Aftab. Maybe Aftab is better than Shenaz. She seems to have more patience with Rachael. I do like her better. Anyways, after school, we went to church like I promised her. And she actually had 3 treats - a cupcake from Deerfield bakery which apparently is supposed to be really good, but which I find exorbitantly expensive - 75c for a tiny mini it's bitsy 1 bite cupcake. Wow! Then she got a chance to play at the park while I did my business with the church admin and then finally she got to play on her new slide. Okay second hand, freecycle slide.. but a slide of her own nonetheless. Of course it didn't translate into a calm wonderful princess for the night. Instead she had 2 tantrums.. my own recourse during a tantrum is to let her have it out. I have found that I have the ability to completely ignore that she is crying and thrashing about on the floor and go about my own way. Tantrums last about 5 minutes and then she's calm. My own view is that she needs to get her crabbiness and frustations of the world out, and if 5 minutes screaming and ranting helps then she can have it. I know there are days when I want to do it myself. On the other hand a sure way to prolong a tantrum is to talk to her during it to calm her down. All it seems to do is worsen the tantrum and prolong it. Nana ofcourse ALWAYS tries to talk her out of it, always fails, always gets frustated and then tells me she can't handle my stubborn children, which is really really funny. I have to admit that when a tantrum takes place out in the open I have no clue what I would do. Maybe Lawrence will be a wonderful boy and never have a tantrum. I often wonder what his personality will be like. Will he follow in his sisters footsteps. Right now he's really low maintainence. I wonder if that's true of second children. My ma always said I was happy just being fed. I wonder if second children are just more easy going, because well mommy just hasn't the time or the energy to deal with a high maintenance second child after finishing with the first one. The down side is that Lawrence doesn't get 1/2 as many cuddles, or talking time as Rachael. I try. I really do. And at night when I feed him I hold him close to me, trying to make up for the minimal attention he gets in the day. As June 21st draws near and nana leave I wonder how I will survive. I hope my children grow up knowing that I love them incredibly. Which brings me to another thought. I wonder what will happen as they grow up and go their own separate ways. I know Tom loves Cathy huge amounts but he barely talks to her once a month. Will Lawrence be like that. Will Rachael love me like I do my ma but be involved in her own life. It's very very eye opening - having children.

I'm having a good day today. It started off good. I'm now 176.5 lbs. Yay! Finally a move. Which is great cause I'm was about ready to give up today. Now I feel motivated to keep going on. And then I found a little tikes climber for free. There's a website called www.freecycle.org and if there's stuff you don't need you post it there, and other can come pick it up. A few days back I saw a little slide, but it had already been promised to someone else. Today I got an email saying it was mine if I wanted it. Yay! Rachael will have something fun to look forward to tonight. And even better I kept my promise to her yesterday. The good thing about cold rainy days is that no one else wants to go to the park so the slides and the swings were empty. Plus Rachael doesn't care to spend too much time there too. Major achievement: She went on the BIG girl swing yesterday. She had seen Joanie and Annie do it on Saturday, and I asked her if she wanted to try. She said no, so we went on the baby swings. Then later she said Mama big swing, and we gave it a try. What a brave girl my baby is. It's fun watching her grow up. Part of me was terrified that she was going to fall off. And then she swung from a bar. Just like that, like a pull up with her knees crunched up. That really did stop my heart. Some how I found it in me to clap and applaud her BIG girl antics. I need her to get confident so she can deal with day care. And this is the only way I know how. Today I've promised to take her to church after school. I think she loves having something to look forward to for after school. Monday was 'shopping with mama for a toy', Tuesday was park, and today it's church. Tomorrow will be the ice cream truck, and Friday - there will be the excitement of 'no school mama' for 2 whole days!
Tom is staying on the course. Again Yay. He's mowed the lawn, and picked up the free slide today, and woken up early to spend time and cuddle with Rachael. All without me saying a word. YAY YAY. I might just survive the next few years.

Yesterday was an exceptionally long day. I didn't take any fat burners and boy was I exhausted at the end of the day. Went to sleep at 8:30, and mama fed lawrence his 10:30 feed. I guess I need the energy those burners give, even though they're not doing anything for the fat. Still at 179 lbs. I started Atkins on Sunday. I'm just going to try and do the best I can until the christening. Sunday, and Monday were good. Last night I had 1/2 a cookie. Needed the sugar to stay marginally sane. Today I had a handful of nuts. I seem to need fruit and nuts. Maybe I should see what South beach is about. I think I can go without refined sugars... but then again once mama leaves I'm going to need a lot more energy, and a lot more sugar if I'm to not bite everyone's head off. Maybe I should do WW. But who has the energy or time to count points. Maybe I'll just get fat and deal with it.

Rachael is having a hard time at daycare again. Not sure what happened. But she had a good couple of weeks, and then on Thursday she cried the whole day. She had a bruise on her chest when she came home. I'm still not sure what happened, but she says that either devin or emmet hurt/bit her. I had a long talk with the teacher on Friday and then yesterday lost my temper at her. I want her to watch Rachael over the next few days.. give her more attention. And then she called in sick today. I checked in today and Ms. Aftab says she's been crying in spurts. Did her art project.. so I guess that gave her some stimulation. Yesterday after school I promised to take her shopping and buy her a toy. We went and got a spider/octopus, which she took to school today. Today I've promised to take her to the park. It's been raining non stop.. so not sure how that will go. I really want to keep my promises to her, so she understands that mama will do what she says ..i.e. if mama says she will come after naptime she will be there. I did buy her a new 12 princess stories book. Maybe she will be happy with that if it's too soggy outside. Maybe I should take her .... and she won't want to go cause it's wet. The sad part is that Lawrence is barely getting any of my attention at the moment. I guess for now the focus is Rachael. Once nana leaves, they will have to share the limited energy I have. I do try and give him extra cuddles during his midnight feedings. Whoever said having 2 kids was easy. How the hell does that octo mom manage. How doesn't she feel the excessive guilt I feel every moment of the day.

Tom is doing great though. 2 days in a row now he's woken up early, spent time with rachael and me, made us breakfast. It seems to have gone through his head, that he needs to make the effort. It's wonderful. And he's trying and taking on more house work too. I feel so sorry for him cause he's on his feet the whole time at work, and that's exhausting. I did a final check yesterday. We definitely cannot make it on his salary alone. No matter which way I crunched the numbers we cannot do it. In some ways it takes away a little of the guilt I feel, I need to work. Our family needs me to work. We've considered the option of nanny several times. It doesn't make sense for our family. I guess Rachael and Lawrence are going to have to tough it out at daycare. I will have to make sure I give them lots of hugs and attention at home, and remember that it's okay to have a messy house if it means spending time with my family.