Loving my daughter for all the wrong reasons:

I love my daughter for all the right reasons and then I love her for all the wrong ones too. This is her in the middle, cap turned backwards, and on a batman bike that doesn't belong to her. I wonder who got beaten up for it. She's just the most wonderful independent little soul and I'm so proud of her. I have to give her a giant kiss and hug today when she gets home. Rachael is growing up so fast. Somedays I don't know what goes through that little head of hers. This morning Lawrence was being naughty and not drinking his milk, and without thinking I said "Lawrence you're a naughty boy I don't like you"... and very very seriously she looks at me and says "Mama I like lawrence". It didn't even strike me that she was putting things together...And this is the same little monkey who a couple of days earlier asked if we could put lawrence in the garbage...lol... Lawrence adores her so. You have to see him to know what I mean. He tries to bend his head backwards just to look at her...poor little boy..lol.. he's so cute following her with his eyes everywhere ...I hope they love each other huge amounts and are always there for each other.

Today is camping day for Rachael at the daycare, and I'm anxiously awaiting pics from her teacher. I'm hoping that there is atleast 1 of her. I so so want to tell her teacher to take pics of her everyday ..lol.. but I must remember that there are 16 kids and she has to alternate... But my daughter is such a cutie pie... so this is me this morning - to Tom - Rachael doesn't have a sleeping bag. Tom - Why does she need one ..Me - Cause she's camping today. Tom - where. Me - In daycare... Both of us laugh roll our eyes, then pick up the thin gaddas we had bought for the beach and figure that it will have to do. I had a sense of what my mum was thinking everytime she sent us with makeshift stuff instead of the real thing... Some how I'm hoping that Rachael is too young to notice.... Some how I'm hoping that she really won't care she doesn't have a sleeping bag.. and that instead her darling mother gave her a gadda for 2 to sleep with her best friend... See I can reason away anything..lol..Yesterday I had a sense of what life with Rachael will be growing up... I looked out of the window and saw a 10 yr old girl walking her dog... and I thought - My Rachael will be like her some day (only walking someone elses dog). It was a wonderful feeling. Somedays I feel like I'm cheating her and Lawrence out of a normal childhood - whatever that may be..and then I figure we'll find our way. We're kind of settled in Poet's corner. The first few months were a rush of getting to know people and wanting to be liked and accepted. Now we've settled. Few families know us.. some don't .. and we do our own thing. We make time when we can to go to the community outings, but that sense of 'Having to' has gone. We're certainly not competing...lol..
This past weekend was eye opening. Grammy was here from Thursday. Apparently she is one of the most well behaved 2 year olds..lol.. It was funny finding that out because I always think she has so many tantrums... apparently not enough.. and then grammy came.. and Rachael learnt to be a true 2 year old for 4 days..lol... I'm glad her grammy love her and that Rachael loves her back (it was grammy grammy grammy all weekend). Grammy let her get away with everything ..lol.. I think grammy thinks mommy is way too strict..lol.. Still I was glad when Grammy went home, and Rachael came running and said "My mommy" I was so pleased... I missed it..lol.. and was jealous of Grammy too. And Rachael rode her first horse. That's amazing bravery given she's only 2 ... I'm so proud of her... and we petted goats and sheep.. Maybe mommy will get brave too .. slowly..

Lawrence is growing too.. He's now 14 lbs 8 oz and getting bigger. But his smiles are the best. They're wonderful. I love him sooo much. He's such an easy baby. Only smiles and cuddles and sleep and eat. Which reminds me... he's now eating bananas, sweet potatoes, cereal, and carrots. Yay Big boy!.
Oh forgot to mention, my fashionista wouldn't let me buy her a raincoat this weekend... instead she picked her own green hoodie... She definitely has her own mind. I got a talking down to when I tried to get her to pick a boy's raincoat. "That's a boy's mama!!!!!" Okay honey bunch I'll remember.

I had a lovely evening with Rachael yesterday. Lawrence went to sleep early. He's been doing that lately, and Rachael and I just spent time together. My first choice was to take her to the park, but there were a lot of kids, and I didn't want to deal with a cranky Rachael with lawrence trying to get on the slides. So instead we went home. She had some baby yogurt, and then some hot dogs. We read books.. lots of books... and told stories, and she rubbed cream on my hands and face and made me a princess and then we had a good shower.... no fights in the bathroom about washing ... and then she watched a bit of wonder pets while I gave lawrence a wash and fed him. They we sat together and said the rosary, and she fell asleep while we prayed. It was really good. I put everything on hold. Didn't try to wash bottles, or pick up clothes or fold clothes or anything, and it helped that lawrence was sleeping so I was able to focus entirely on her. And it worked. No tantrums, no crying nothing. And at 2:00 this morning she woke me up to take her to do pee pee. I was so happy. I'm just not sure how to do this daily. I've been avoiding trying to feed Lawrence cereal .. but I have to start soon.. and I have to play with him when he's awake... I have to figure out a way to involve both of them... I can do it.
p.s. Rachael looked so cute yesterday when I picked her up ...like a little hep ragamuffin with her cap all askew and her pants and t-shirt.

I'm having wonderful days at home. The last 2 days have been really good. No sleep but good. Rachael is growing up much too fast. I'm trying to get rid of the guilt. I feel gulity if I spend good time with Lawrence, that rachael is not getting any attention. And then I spend time with Rachael and feel guilty that Lawrence is growing up on his own. I wonder if I read this blog years from now if I will find that there is an underlying thread of guilt in all my blogs. I must give up and just enjoy life. I'm trying. So much is happening at the moment ... I'm trying so hard to live in the moment. Can you imagine I don't have my visa for India as yet, and I haven't bought a dress for Rachael yet, and we're already in July. The wedding is just 6 months away. Okay laugh. The tickets were bought in May. Right now I'm focussing and pining for our michigan vacation. 1 week. 1 whole week away. We have never ever done this. Gone away for a week on vacation. I don't know what prompted it. But I'm glad we decided to do it. And last night we invited Lea and Tracy to join. Okay post invitation I had regret pangs wishing it was just tom me rachael and lawrence, but I know in my head that it will be good for both the kids to spend time with grandpa. Life pass us by much too soon.
This morning we had a cute moment. There was a centipede in Lawrence's room - dead - but I think I stamped it by mistake and it freaked me out. Not that I killed it but that I had stepped on a creepie crawlie. I screamed - tommy a centipede, and Rachael came running.... with her little princess dress up shoe in her hand - yelling I kill it mama I kill it. It really was too funny and too cute. Tom had just nailed a moth on the wall, and she saw him. And it was just so cute that she wanted to save me ...Okay she would have too if it wasn't already dead, so there she was my precious 2 year old slamming her little heal on the already dead centipede and it stuck to her shoe.. which she promptly brought and showed me - Look mama I killed it.

Dancing in the dark Friday, July 31, 2009

Last night was lovely. Rachael had a rough evening (okay I made it rough for her because she was kicking.. must remember she is 2, must remember she is 2). By 8:00 I was pooped. Lawrence had fallen asleep, Rachael showed no signs of slowing down. So I offered her the ability to play in my bed if she would let me sleep. 2 mins later she goes mama my favite (read favourite) song is my girl. I have no clue where she heard my girl - daycare... what do they teach her there. Anyways, I was feeling guilty enough about making her evening rough, so I pulled myself out of bed, went to the computer and played "My girl" by the temptations.. she evens knows some of the words. Whoa.But it didn't end there... Rachael - "Mama lets dance" So mama picks her up and dances to My girl... she's not a big girl, but it was exhausting... then she wanted more music..so we replayed My girl several times, and some other temptation songs... It was great fun dancing. I'm not a very good dancer. But with the lights dimmed low and only Rachael to copy me I let go.. And copy me she did. We had so much fun laughing and dancing. That's another thing I want to aRachael to my list - Go dancing with Tommywhen I'm at goal. Right now too many parts wobble that I don't want to wobble, and I'm still embarassed about dancing in public, but come goal... Until then I will dance with Rachael in the nights when Lawrence is sleeping and Tommyand still at work. What a wonderful way to be a mom. And today, Tommy and me are doing lunch at Indian buffet. It's been a month. I love the place, but have been avoiding it since I know I overdo it. But today I'm really craving it. I received my 5 lb loss star last week (and didn't even realise it), so today we will celebrate the total 7lb loss since the beginning. And this week I intend to aRachael activity to my list. I haven't been walking at lunch. I love walking, but lately have been finding exuses. I've been going shopping instead. I'm kind of setting a 3lb wt loss goal for next friday. I'm going to eat all my (daily and weekly) points like I do, but aRachael in activity and not eat the activity points. I want to see if I can get the 3lbs by next Friday. Good luck to me.

The right support: Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I have 1 bra. Okay lets rephrase that. I have 1 bra that fits like I want it to, and full price that bra costs $70. I was lucky enough to find it in marshalls at $9. No honestly. That is exactly what I paid for it. I really really cannot go above $20. Okay maybe $25, but that's pushing it and only for something that I think is wonderful. So how do I know that the one I love is $70 in the store at full price. Okay here is the bra story. For the longest time I wore the wrong sized bra. From where I come big boobs are great, but no manufacturer actually makes a decent sized bra. The best you can get is a C. Not helpful if you're narrow shouldered but have larger cups. So for years I had the powder puff spill out. Until I moved to Europe got 'found' by Neema, who introduced me to the world of underwire and cups sizes that went up to 'H' !!!!! For the longest time I loved M&S (Marks & Spencer). They do great bras there. All the sizes, all the colours, and pretty ones for big boobed women no matter if they're broad or narrow shouldered! And then I moved to the midwest. Hello people, America does have many big sized women, but the largest commonly available size went up to a D, a DD if you were lucky. I searched and searched for the right bra. And then I found Champion Catalog. I'm not a big internet clothes buyer. But I tried, I wore I loved their daily wear underwire bra. And then guess what, it went away. How could they!!!! It was the best thing I had found. So now, post baby #2 I'm back on the search. I went to the dept stores to try - macy's, jcpenney you get the idea. And once again I found - DD, E, F - but the cost - $70 and more. I waited for the sales $45. So I tried Marshalls and struck gold once. I've been back many times... no luck. So how hard is it. I mean come on - the ones who need the support need it - so lets start making decent bras for the ones who actually need it. And now with losing weight, I will have to start the search again.

The beginning of a LONG day Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Bone numbingly tired today. DS kept me up all night. Okay that's not true, he wanted to be fed at his 3 hour schedules, and I totally didn't want to wake up, so had to pry my eyes open at 4 hour intervals, when he went from little "I'm hungry nosies", to "I'm going to scream the house down if you don't feed me". So of course everything makes me crabby today, which then becomes a vicious circle. Doesn't help that I now have a stye forming on my eye. I hate those things and they're so painful, and there's no fix. Just wash my hands a million times a day. Okay I'm definitely crabby. Had a couple of good things though... My scale said 172.5 this morning. It's not WI so can't record it officially, but it made me so happy. And I'm beginning to wear my size 18 pants on my hips instead of my waist, so happy happy. Now my day would be perfect if the day care director would find it in her heart to give me a cash break for next month, when both my kids will be out for a week. Something anything. Question, have any of you moms out there found that as soon as you had kids you went from 'being your own person', to this stranger who has to be nice all the time. No really, being nice doesn't come naturally to me... crabby does..lol.. and yet I continually remind myself like a million times a day - Be nice. Be nice to the teacher, you want her to pay attention to your daughter, don't lose it at Ds's substitute, she really is doing the best she can, smile at the director, if you're nice she's more likely to give you breaks that when you're a meanie. Be nice to the neighbours, they will watch out for your kids. Okay, I'm a reasonably nice person, and I'm reasonably nice most of the time, but in my single days, I found that I didn't really care if people liked me or didn't. Tough Sh** if they didn't. But now I think more in terms of my kids. We moved last year, and I remember thinking... we're going to live here forever, DD & DS are going to go to school here and grow up here. I must be a reasonably likeable person. I must smile when I don't feel like. I must make conversation even if I want to hide with a book. ... I must I must. Oh well I must also lose this wt.