Living through an economic downturn:

We can't seem to get away from it.When Tom got his job with Baxter I breathed a sigh of relief. It was all going to get better. It did for a while, and we enjoyed it. So much so that I planned 2 vacations over the next year, and began to think the economic downturn was over. And then yeseterday reality came snapping at my heels. Our great renters aren't renewing :(. They're moving instead to Dallas. If that wasn't bad enough we got worse new. I called Alan (our old realtor) to see if we should get on the market to sell. I talked Tom into considering selling for less than we bought ... enough to pay the bank off and the realtor. But guess what. We can't. I didn't realise that bad mistakes other people made could affect us. There is a condo in our building that went into foreclosure that is now on the market for 60,000! Can you believe that. If we ever sold for that price we'd owe the bank another 70,000 not considering that we paid even more for it. So out goes the idea of selling. We have to rent again which is why I'm stressed. There's some good things I guess. We know that renting is the only option for us. So that's one discussion out. The hard part will be to show the condo, and get good paying renters in. I hope we can do. I have to trust that God will help us do it. This morning I was so fearful. I couldn't get past my fear. That's when I wondered if Sonia & Fong, and dada didn't have that fear. They are the 3 people I know who pray the most. In my heart I truly believe that God will provide. That he will take care of us if we only trust him. In my head I can't feel fearful and worried and stressed. So I wonder if being really close to God like Sonia and Dada and Fong means they have no fear. That they trust God implicitly. Sonia's travelling today. She's been told she's high risk and is not to travel, and yet she's going to Pune. I'm sure she has her reasons. And I'm amazed that she trusts that God will take care of her no questions asked. Part of me thinks she's being stupid. And then I think. she trusts God. He has never let her down. What's the sense in worrying all the time when she trusts Him. I would like that kind of faith. Mine is the kind that knows he's there but feels the need to help Him. I reason. I'm incapable yet of completly turning off and letting him handle it. I don't know how. I don't even know what it means. Please Lord as I write this, and you read it, teach me your way. Teach me to trust you. Tell me how to follow. I love you Lord.

07/20
It's been a slightly stressful day. Mindi just told us that they won't be renewing their lease. Tom got stressed out immediately. I didn't. Not sure why. I guess knowing that Jesus will help us make the right descision helps. I prayed a little and then sat and did my calculations. Ran the numbers to see if we whould sell or rent. Right now my gut is to sell. I've sent the numbers to Tom. Maybe he will feel the same, maybe God will feel the same, and maybe we will be able to sell at the right price. I hope it all works out. No I must trust that God will work everything out for us.

This week is passing in a blur. Thursday is almost over. It's been a good week for the most part. Rachael me and Lawrence spent lots of time together, and even though I still feel guilt (does it ever go away), I know atleast that we're all doing our best. Rachael too. Every night if we get upset with each other she goes into her room, calms her self down and comes out and says "Mama I no cry". I give her a hug and a kiss and a cuddle in return. It breaks my heart that she she's trying to control her tantrums for me... I love her so much.
We're planning another family vacation. Our first vacation with Lawrence. So far the descision is Sleeping Bear Dunes in Michigan. Our motto is "We can do it We can do it". I've gone through scores of vrbo homes trying to find one within our budget, and one that we will love and enjoy. It'll be interesting to see how it goes with a 6 month old and a 2 year old. I'm hoping it's a wonderful relaxing enjoyable vacation. I think Tom and me are very very excited... we're keeping a lid on it just until Tom's leave gets sanctioned. Yeah beach

July 14
I feel better now. I've been dwelling on something that upset me. I won't post it here, and finally I feel better. I know it's little, but I know God will take care of it for me. And now that I feel better :
We had a great day yesterday. Lawrence has decided that he likes sleeping, and that if he is to get any alone mommy time, then the trick is to sleep long and hard and wake up by 4:30 or 5:00 and keep me up then, since Rachael is still asleep. It works.. for both babies... just not sure if mommy is happy about it..lol. Rachael and I spent a LONG NICE evening yesterday. We chatted. We told stories, and read books. She upset me once, said sorry and mama no cry, and called herself a princess everytime she was good which was often last evening. I was so happy. She really does need all the attention I can give her. We also found a great doctor. Dr. Wittert. I'm really pleased. That's a load off my mind for the coming winter.

It's hard to blog in 2 places at the same time. I'm blogging on the WW site about my weight. But I suppose this is for family. But I'm family too. So I'll post the blog here as well
PROGRESS REPORT
Starting weight: 180 lb
Current Week Loss: 4.5 lb.
Current Weight: -175.5 lb.
Total weight loss: -4.5 lb.
A very very interesting few days:
The good news first. Yesterday was weigh in and I came in at 175.5. That's a good 4.5 lbs drop for the week. I'm very pleased considering my first week was a diaster with me gaining. What's even better that I'm beginning to see changes in the way I think. I want this to be a life change, but I didn't think that would click in for atleast a few months. I've done WW before, and I was treating it like a diet still, which was acceptable to me. Yesterday we went to the zoo. We took cherries, fresh cheese, crackers and cheese spread for lunch. I found myself stopping after I had a few crackers and cheese, and fruit, and realised that I was stopping because I felt satisfied. My old brain was still telling me to go ahead and eat cause we were out having fun "What's one cheat day", but the other part of my brain didn't feel the need or desire to cheat. It was nice. And then today at work. We had a lunch and learn. I found myself picking the wholegrain wraps instead of white bread. I have to say I picked 2 - 1/2 wraps. I ended up eating only1. It was from Jason's deli and they have nutritional info online that I just found. The wraps were tasty. I did make a mistake. I answered the call of the sweet tooth. There were brownies and cookie. I imagine the cookies were much less points, but the brownie was calling my name. I picked it. I was satisified at 1/2 but I failed to put it down and I ate the whole brownie for 10 points. I believe that if I had known just how high it was going to be I would have put it down. Lesson learned. When in doubt 1/2 the dessert. I will have to find time to do some exercise this week to work it off. It's going to be a challenging week. We had a lunch and learn today. On wednesday I'm possible going to lunch with a friend to indian buffet, and friday is DH's date day. I will work to stay on top of it.
Today I have to leave at 2:45. It's going to be an interesting evening. Rachael has a rash on her hands for a few days now. First we thought it was the execema acting up in the summer. But now it's getting discoloured. So I have an appt today at 3:15 for her. It's going to be interesting to see how it works out. I have to run pick her up, take her to the dr. then run back with her and pick lawrence up. It'll be fun. Don't think I can handle taking both of them to the dr. unless I absolutely have to.
Yesterday was a fun day. We went to the zoo. Rachael was really happy. My wish for her is that she somehow channel her love of animals into something that she can work with. She loves music and animals at the moment. They have been her loves almost since she was born. I know Tom would rather she do something in music. I have misgivings about a career in music, because I don't want her to enter the 'popular scene', and I don't think there's much money to be made in the regular music scene. So instead I dream that she will do research with animals, how to care for them, take them back to their natural habitat etc...Save the world types. Or maybe marine biologist. That's one of the few nice animal jobs I know. Don't really want her to be a vetenarian. Still while I cultivate her interests I try to remember that she will be the person God wants her to be. I want to pray more. I know God is present in our life, and he's making it so much easier than I imagined it. Yes I have hard days. Late at night when I'm exhausted and and Rachael has gone past trying my last nerve, and I stilll have bottles to wash and feeds to be made, then it's hard to believe my life could be any harder. But I know it could. I was on pager support last week. I had 3 weekend calls when Tom was there to help me and every single one in the day time. No night calls, and no calls during the week when I was alone. I know God is present in our life, in our family. I want to pray to him so that he knows that we are grateful for his presence and thankful for all the wonderful things he brings in our life.

An older post I wrote but forgot to post. Guess I'm progressing
July 6th, 2009
For all my good intentions yesterday passed in a blur of mistakes. I tried very hard to be a good mom. Maybe I should give up and just be a mom..lol. I think I'm doing that anyways. There were some good moments with borh Rachael & Lawrence and then some timeouts and then some screams of frustation and then again some calm and story time. The 2-2.5 hours when we reach home is just a blur. I will try again today. I meant to take them out to the backyard today, but seems likes it's going to be cold. Will have to come up with something else. It's hard at the moment because I feel so torn between Rachael and Lawrence. Who do I speak with. Who do I chat with. Who do I smile and cuddle with. Please God let me not scar them too badly. I did pray yesterday. Which is good. Hope I remember today too. One day at a time.

I've been kind of good lately. I've managed to spend time with Rachael and Lawrence. IIt's very very hard. Rachael is wonderful sometimes, and terrible at others. Last night we had fun sitting together on the lazy boy enjoying a skinny dipper and whispering to each other. It's the perfect sized ice cream candy for her. 2 nights in a row now she has wanted to go shopping with me. Maybe this weekend. Sunday we most likely will go to the zoo. Tom thinks she'll have more fun there than at the horse show. He's probably right. Plus she'll enjoy the carousel too. Have to make packing lists for Sunday.

Tom's birthday

Tom's very happy today. He got a new pair of shoes as a birthday present. And they were just 'FUN' shoes. I didn't realise it would make him so happy. Shoes are a necessity to me. To Tom and Rachael they seem to be something much more. And he was trying really hard to pick the right shoe - or more importanly the NEEDED shoe, while all along eyeing up the fun shoe. And it's true, I wanted him to pick the NEEDED shoe... but he seemed to want the FUN shoe, so I said, go on babe, just pick it. We can always pick the NEEDED shoe later. He was so happy. Honestly if I had realised he wanted it so much I wouldn't even have brought up the NEEDED shoe. I'm glad he's happy. He works hard for us and he's changed so many of his lifestyle habits - e.g. going from 8-10 hours straight sleep to 6 hours broken sleep. I'm glad he's happy. Happy birthday honey. Funny comment : We looked in the mirror and I said, babe I look so young next to you..lol.. he responds with yup, and it's the young wife looking bored taking the older husband shopping instead of the other way around. I love him to bits.

It's been a while since I posted. Much has changed.. well not terribly but enough. I changed my blogging website page name. I was feeling trapped. I started this blog as my diary, then I got guilt tripped that I wasn't sending mama enough info on the kids so I shared it since I really don't have time to write long emails. But I couldn't write how I was feeling any more. In reality. It all had to be thought and rethought out. So here I am blogging again truly.
We had a good weekend. Lately weekends seem like they go on .. in a good way. They're full and long. But then during the weekday, weekends seem like they passed in a blur. We went for the parade. Rachael got a couple of candy pieces. Her big thing at the moment is BATMAN. I thik it's Devin. Some days she says she's batman, some days she says Devin is batman. And the other day she said, she likes Devin now because he doesn't bite anymore. For her sake I'm glad. She does walk into the room more confidently. Today I saw a mum outside almost in tears. I tried to tell her to take heart and that it does get better. I wonder if it helped. Things have gotten better for Rachael at daycare I think. She's had a couple of 'ACCIDENTS' with waiting too long to pee and not telling her teacher. Hopefully that will change as time passes. I think she's still scared of Shenaz. But otherwise I think she's getting used to being the big sister, going to school and taking Lawrence with her.
We're trying to do more as a family too. This Sunday I think we're going to look at horses. There's a farm up north that has show horses and I should really book the tickets so there's no backing down.
I'm trying to figure out why exactly I'm angry. Probably because I tried to keep my mouth shut and I opened it anyway. The problem doesn't lie with what I have to say because I always have a valid point. Always. I've mulled over it in my head before I can speak. The problem occurs with how I speak it. The first sentence or paragraph will be delivered in a calm rational manner. But let someone dispute it with just an inkling of patronization and my horrible horrible side comes into play. Then all the dogs come out and I tend to snap heads. I don't know what it achieves except making me feel horrible, like a big lug or a bull in a glass shop. I cannot understand why I cannot stay calm, rational, friendly and kind during the whole exchange. I really must try and change the way I speak. Remember KIND KIND KIND.
I just realized that I originally started this blog with the thought process that I would count my blessings in it. Keep record of it, so that on hard days I coukd turn to it as a refresher. Instead it has some how morphed into a whine session. The good part is I caught it. I have to focus on positive energy.
Lawrence is becoming a charmer. He pushed his bottle out of his mouth this morning and looked up at me with the cutest smile ever! I swear I felt my heart MELT. I wonder how long before he tries it on the teachers. He does adore Rachael. He follows her with his eyes and talks to her. She for her part love his, most ..lol.. of the time. Sometimes I have to stop the love..lol.. it gets too strong.. She doesn't realise how strong she is. Today I will be good to my children. I will read stories to them and spend some time playing with them. Time passes too soon.